Tag Archives: Sojourn

SOJOURN ANNOUNCES THEIR HETEROSEXUAL ONLY MEMBERSHIP IS 25% OFF THIS WEEKEND

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GERMANTOWN – Head pastor, Taylor Parrish, had been under heavy stress over the last couple of months after his entire congregation, including himself, came out of the closet.   The news was not well received at other christian churches in Louisville, even Sojourners from different branches called the act “a disgusting joke”.  Several churches began praying when they heard the news, and members from Southeast reportedly built a 300 foot cross out of chicken sandwiches from Chik-Fil-A, that’s been sitting on the church roof for months in protest. Parrish says the praying and chicken crosses have not been in vain, as himself and the rest of his members are all back in the closet.

“It’s taken some time, but we’re all back in the closet and it feels great,” said Parrish.  “The first month of being out was really intense.  We had all night lock-ins, sometimes for a week straight, where we drank a lot of craft beer and got to know each other better.”

Parrish says sometime last month, the prayers started to kick in.

“I woke up one morning and there was an email from my dad saying he never wanted to see me again,” said Parrish.  “And he said they wouldn’t be helping us out financially anymore either.  That night I felt the lord change my heart.  I had a dream Jesus and I were walking through my church, talking about the lock-ins and craft beer communions we’ve been having during prayer.  He told me he loved me just the way I am, but that what I was doing was gross.  I tried to hold his hand, but Jesus kept pulling it away saying he would only hold my hand if I got back in.  I took a deep breath, and he led me right back into the closet.  It was probably the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt spiritually.”

Parrish was inspired from the dream and held a prayer meeting after one final all night lock-in with his members.

“I told them we’ve all gotta come back in the closet and that the door has to stay closed this time,” said Parrish.  “There was some sobbing at first, but after a while everyone came around.  One member told me his father had been sending Chik-Fil-A sandwiches in the mail every week since he came out, and many others had similar stories.  I’m proud to announce everyone in my church is collectively straight and in the closet again.”

Along with this announcement Sojourn is offering a 25% discount, to heterosexual people only, that would like to become members of the church.

“Like we said in that article a few years back in the LEO, all people are welcome in this church.  Whether you’re brown, pink, blue, orange, straight or gay, you’re welcome to worship with us,” said Parrish.  “But if you wanna take advantage of the 25% discount membership this weekend, there’s plenty more room in this closet.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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ENTIRE SOJOURN CHURCH COMES OUT OF CLOSET TOGETHER

Screen shot 2012-03-27 at 8.28.12 AMYesterday in a press release, head pastor of the hip Sojourn church, Taylor Parrish, said everyone that attends his church admitted they were gay recently.

“It was a really powerful moment” says Parrish. “I was praying before the service started and I asked everyone to bow their heads.”

This is when Parrish says the unthinkable happened.

“I told anyone that has been having nasty homosexual thoughts to raise their hands and let God see them.”

Seconds later Parrish raised his head to look around the room and all 1500 churchgoers had their hands raised, including himself.

“I didn’t know what to say. Everyone sort of looked up at the same time and there was just a big sigh of relief.”

Parrish said the sermon was cancelled for the day as everyone started mingling and hugging each other.

“We all stood around and talked for hours. It was truly surreal. There was a great moment where I walked up to my assistant pastor and we were just like “whaaat DUDE?!? We kind of kissed and both admitted we always had small crushes on each other.”

Parrish and his followers are at a crossroad however. They’ve been comparing gays to adulterers and other terrible things for years.

“Yeah, that’s gonna suck trying to walk that back.” says Parrish, “Here’s the thing. I’ve woken up everyday for the last 25 years and told myself that everyone else wakes up in the morning and turns off their gay thoughts. I guess that sounds pretty silly as I say that out loud.”

Parrish isn’t the only one struggling with his newfound truth. I spoke with other members of the church up at Four Pegs.

“I just really hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive us.” says Emma Jackson.

The gentleman to the left of Jackson is shaking his head on his 6th pint of Goose Island.

“We’re all frauds man.” says Jackson’s friend Mike Smith. “Not only were we all closeted homosexuals up at Sojourn, but we’ve tried convincing everyone that we’re progressive because our pastor has a mohawk, tattoos and a dick piercing.”

The group stayed for a few more hours telling stories of how they kind of knew so and so was gay, and also the horrors of their own of being discovered. Some tears were shed, but in the end they all paid their tabs and said they were going to a place that would accept them. “Maybe Highland Baptist Church.” Smith said as he lit a clove cigarette and walked away into the night.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

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