Tag Archives: Nachbar


C4T4CK Old man and his wife going through documents , worried about savings LAKE FOREST – Last night 74 year old Lake Forest resident, Rick Schneider, returned home around eight o’clock from having a few drinks at The Nachbar.  Schneider’s wife, Judy, had reportedly been pacing the 12,000 square foot home, holding her cordless telephone over the four hours Rick had been gone.  When Rick finally pulled up in the driveway, neighbors say Judy stormed out of the front door in her bathrobe demanding to smell her husbands dick.

“I’ve read all about what these men are doing up at the Nachbar,” said Judy.  “I’m his wife and I have every right to smell his dick if I have reasonable suspicion.”

Rick reportedly avoided his irate wife in the driveway telling her she’s not smelling his dick.

“Nothing happened at the Nachbar,” said Schneider.  “I just talked to a few girls about Amazon Prime and watched countless women try to take home Rusty the beef jerky guy.  If anyones wife should be smelling their husbands dick when they get home it’s that guys.”

The couple continued to argue into the night after eventually cooling down close to eleven o’clock.  Judy says her husband finally agreed to let her smell his dick if she would take him to Hammerheads this weekend, which she agreed.

“His dick just smelled like old man,” said Judy.  “I’m relieved, but still concerned anytime he goes out to those places without me.  I know the girls out there get all wet when they see a guy in his 70’s from the east end walk into a bar they’re hanging out at, I’m just afraid Rick’s going to give in eventually.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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gapLocal beer connoisseur and drummer, Tyler Barnes, was spotted yesterday casually browsing and collecting loads of clothes at The Gap in Oxmoor Mall.  A neighborhood resident of Germantown who asked to remain anonymous (we’ll call Becky), said she saw Barnes walking around with several different colors of cut off shorts and a few of The Gaps signature vintage T’s.

“I was at the mall meeting my mom to go to Sephora,” said Becky.  “I stopped and stood behind a plant watching him shop.  It was so pathetic.”

Barnes reportedly approached a sales associate with over 20 items spilling out of his arms and politely asked for a fitting room.

“I could see the clothes being draped over the fitting room door as he asked an associate for a smaller size of an MTV shirt,” said Becky.  “I can’t believe I ever wanted to sleep with him.”

Becky cautiously followed Barnes as he left the Gap swinging his bag of clothes by his side. Allegedly Barnes was wearing the faux cut off shorts he recently purchased out of the store that he must have liked a lot.

“I think he almost saw me as he went into Banana Republic,” said Becky.  “I was like texting all my friends.  He’s such a fucking loser.”

Becky says Barnes left Banana Republic empty handed as she followed him next into the Old Navy store.

“I lost my shit.  Up until that point I wasn’t gonna tell my friend that slept with him what I was seeing, but I didn’t have a choice,” said Becky.  “He was being so polite to everyone inside Old Navy.  Like some kind of freak.”

Becky said she watched Tyler go to Auntie Anne’s Pretzels next and was last seen trying on some sunglasses at Sunglass Hut.   She hasn’t heard back from her friend that slept with him yet, but planned to head over to her house immediately after she left Sephora with her mom.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

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