Tag Archives: Highlands

68 YEAR OLD HIGHLANDS MAN ENDS 42 YEAR MARRIAGE CITING WIFE NOT BEING INTO THE SAME MUSIC AS HIM

old man

HIGHLANDS – Last night 68 year old Highlands resident, Walter Donnelly, told his wife of 42 years he wanted out of the marriage.  The two had just returned from a quiet dinner at Palermos when Donnelly said he just couldn’t endure it any longer.

“I’m in hell,” said Donnelly.  “She still asks me ‘who is this’ when I put Weezer’s Blue Album on, and she’s being completely serious. I have no idea how we’ve lasted this long.”

Donnelly and his wife have 4 children, all graduated from college and several grandkids.  Friends say they seemed to be happy, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

“We go out to eat with Walter and Melinda all the time,” said Donnelly’s long time friend Stew.  “We’ve all witnessed Melinda ask Walt if this is Queen or Dylan while a Tom Petty album is playing, but Walt just looks at her for a moment, downs his scotch, and then acts like she doesn’t exist for a few minutes.  Other than that they seem great.”

Eight years ago Melinda reportedly brought home a Jason Mraz album and put it on during dinner, Walter claims he sat through it, but withheld sex from her for three weeks.

“I should have seen the writing on the wall when I married her in ’62,” said Donnelly.  “On our fifth anniversary, she asked me if I thought the Beatles would play that ‘hey hey we’re the Monkeys’ song while we were watching the Ed Sullivan show. But you have some kids, get a mortgage and before you know it you’re 68 years old.”

Donnelly admits everything else in his life with Melinda is close to perfect, but he’s tired of living under the same roof as someone who has no idea what the lead singer of Spoons name is.

“When Ear-X-Tacy closed she told me she was upset she’d have to find a new place to buy incense,” said Donnelly.  “I’ve never seen someone so excited to see a Panera Bread roll into town.  Not to mention she still thinks Spotify is a website to compare insurance rates on.”

At press time Donnelly was opening up an Eharmony account listing all of his favorite bands and listing the top 10 Flaming Lips shows he’d been to pre-Embryonic.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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HIGHLANDS YOUTH STRUGGLE TO COME UP WITH DIRTY WORD USING NEW PANERA STICKERS

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HIGHLANDS PANERA BREAD FRANCHISE OWNER SAYS HE WISHES THERE WAS A PLACE NEARBY HE COULD BUY SOME GOOD VINYL

OBR Panera  Lee Carmona

HIGHLANDS – Wishing there was a place nearby that sold vinyl, 48 year old Panera Bread franchise owner, Mike Waggener, says he thought he would be in the company of cool local stores when he moved into the area three years ago.  But Waggener is noticing more and more that the Highlands is just becoming a strip mall that’s too expensive for truly quirky local businesses to move into.

“My wife and I arrived here from St. Louis a few years back when we opened the Panera,” said Waggener. “We chose this area specifically because we heard the Highlands was a hip area, but it’s just a bunch of boring shops.”

While Waggener admits he doesn’t have tons of time to shop in the area, he says what he misses most is shopping for vinyl after a long day at work.

“When my wife and I lived in St. Louis, we would meet after work and spend a couple of hours shopping for vinyls and other cool things at a local record store, Euclid Records,” said Waggener.  “I know there are some record shops here in town, but we live across the street and I just walk everywhere.  I’m just saying it would be nice to have a record shop closer to the Panera.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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