Category Archives: WDRB

WDRB EXECUTIVES GROW ANOTHER WHITE NEWS ANCHOR

Vacanti_mouse

LOUISVILLE – If you’ve never been to a news station, or gotten a glimpse of how things run behind the scenes at WDRB here in Louisville, you’d be quite surprised to learn how the industry runs.  In 2004, 78 year old CEO, Tom Shaw, took over immediately laying off the casting director and hiring a group of scientist’s.  Shaw brought his 34 year old grandson into the laboratory and ordered the scientist’s to make him “4 more of these”.  Within a year the lab had grown four, mid 30’s, brown haired white men.  The popular news show has been running well with the clones, until recently when one of the clones started asking a lot of questions.

“We were told this could happen,” said Shaw.  “Our weather man started asking to see what’s on the other side of the wall during a feeding last week.  The lab tech panicked and shut him down in fear of the others hearing.  But, this is why you have more mice laying around.”

The new anchor is still months away from being ready, but Shaw says he’s perfect.

“We took a little bit of DNA from anchor Keith Kaiser and added it into Anchor X,” said Shaw.  “Kaiser’s DNA will literally do anything you tell it to.  It’s amazing.”

One of the lab techs, Kristen Neal, says the new anchor is showing great progress in his skin tone and hair color.

“He looks great,” said Neal.  “Anchor X has this whole Paul Ryan thing going on, I just wanna put him in my pocket and take him home.  Have you ever read that book, “The Indian In The Cupboard”?  Sometimes I fantasize that I’ve got this cupboard filled with WDRB news anchors at home.  I bring them things like cheese and thimbles full of water, and at night they stand on my bed side table and do a tiny miniature version of the 10 o’clock news.  Then they all climb inside me and we go to sleep.”

The new anchor is set to debut at next years Derby as long as he makes it through the clones initiation where all of the anchors clean each other, and mate for 3 days.  “If the clones accept Anchor X into the nest, we shouldn’t have any problems.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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