Category Archives: Neighborhood Safety

Mayor Fischer Tells The Clifton Neighborhood To Shut Down All Streets Immediately So This Guy Can Grill Pizzas

Street-Festival

CLIFTON – Mayor Fischer called an urgent press meeting yesterday demanding law enforcement and city officials close down the entire Clifton neighborhood. The announcement came after a Louisville man on Facebook made a post saying, “I’ll be grilling some pizzas outside of Guestroom Records this morning, come say hi”.

St. Matthews police department said they had a 10 block radius completely shut down 45 minutes after the post surfaced on Facebook, but some residents are saying that is simply unacceptable.

“I saw Jeff’s post on Facebook and decided I would stop by for a slice while taking my dog for a walk”, said Clifton resident Randy Schneider. “I could have easily been struck by a car, it was nuts. Why should I have to walk down the sidewalk in my own neighborhood?”.

Schneider wasn’t the only Clifton resident confused while cars went zipping by them as they strolled through the streets.

“Tell me this, why was the street even open to begin with?” said Props Barber Shop owner Wayne Trout. “We had announced we were having a food truck rally and a bluegrass band in front of our shop two hours before the grilled pizza was announced.”

Mayor Fischer replied to the criticism this morning saying the city has been working tirelessly to shut down as many streets as they can over the past year.

“I don’t care if it’s a Jeff making pizzas on a grill in Clifton or the Double Dare Man competition we had last weekend downtown”, said Fischer. “I want everyone to know we’ll shut it all down all the time, but every street doesn’t get closed overnight. These things take time.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2015

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LOUISVILLE BRACES AS NEWS SPREADS OF CITY WIDE “SURGE” TONIGHT STARTING AT 830PM

surgePosters started popping up in the Highlands as well as Twitter stating “Louisvilles The Surge Friday August 15th 830PM – 630AM”.  The poster is referring to the movie “The Surge” where the popular softdrink, Surge, can be drank all night starting at 830PM without being grounded or fired from your job.  Parents and bosses all over the city are hoping it’s a cruel hoax.

“This stuff is loaded with sugar and caffeine,” said local mother Karen Duffy.  “I’m not playing this game.  If any of my kids come home with green tongues, I’m grounding all of them.”

News outlets all over the city are warning people not to go overboard on Surge tonight, saying, 6-7 bottles of the stuff can cause cavities, anxiety and even cause you to go #1 where #2 generally comes out.

“We have to remember the movie is fake,” said Home Town Buffet Manager, Tim Dwyer.  “You’re not gonna down 6 cans of Surge and start hacking into mainframes.  It just doesn’t happen like that in the real world.  You have to go to college and study mainframes like the rest of us if you want to learn to be elite.”

Gas station owners are preparing for a surge of “Surgers” tonight as everyone from kids to adults are expected to show up to purchase loads of the soda.

“If you want be truly, 100 percent pure phreaker, you will need to drink at least 8,” said a convenience store clerk on Shelbyville Road.  “When else can you drink the Surge without any disciplinary action?  You must take advantage.  You must.”

Parents and bosses are planning on letting the evening take it’s course, but say they hope a lesson is learned from whatever happens tonight.

“They’re gonna be the ones that have to deal with the consequences,” said Dwyer.  “I told them all before starting the lunch shift today, if anyone has #3 tomorrow after a night of surging I won’t be there to wipe their butts.  And I made it clear they can’t call me tonight, in the middle of surging, to ask me questions about the mainframes they’re trying to bypass, or the backdoors they’re trying to gain access to.”

At press time Lexington is trying to start a similar night, but with gravy and diet Big K.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

RETIRED GERMANTOWN MAN NAMED BOOBSKY SAYS ITS HIM BEHIND THE OFFENSIVE BOOB TAGS

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As reported yesterday, Germantown is currently the battlegrounds for a tag war that’s been going on all summer.  This morning WHAS11 broke the news that an anonymous 76 year old retired man, going by the street name Boobsky, has now joined the warzone and is tagging sets of boobs next to every piece of graffiti he finds.

“I’m tired of walking through Germantown every morning and seeing all this boring stuff kids are calling art,” said the retired man.  “I thought I’d offer my generations perspective with a good old fashioned set of cans.”

I spoke with some neighbors about the mans new approach to Germantown graffiti and it seems most households are split on the issue.

“I think it’s offensive,” said neighbor Barbara Musseler.  “Yesterday morning I was walking with my children when we come across a set of Goodyears Boobsky recently tagged.  My kids asked, ‘Why’s Grandmas melons on the side of that building ma?’.  Everywhere we go not only are there scribbled obscenities, but a pair of chumbawumbas staring us in the eyes.  It’s just provoking the other taggers even more.”

The womans husband, Karl Musseler says everyone needs to calm down.

“Everytime my son and I walk by one of those pairs of Thelma and Louise’s, we both get a good chuckle.  We think it’s awesome and it’s opened up a relationship with my son that I never knew was there.” said Musseler.

The new 76 year old tagger in Germantown says he’s here to stay.  He say’s his Grandfather drew a couple funbags on the side of buildings with chalk back in his day, so he’s continuing a more honest tradition set decades ago.   At presstime he was headed to meet with residents in Norton Commons.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

NORTON COMMONS FAMILIES ASKING GERMANTOWN TAGGERS TO COME TO THEIR NEIGHBORHOOD

Happy couple embracing and laughing

Germantown has seen an immense amount of taggers this summer and residents are growing more and more frustrated.  The Booker Price Building on Goss Avenue was the most recent victim of the random acts of vandalism, and garages on Samuel were said to have markings on them as well.  The Germantown Neighborhood Watch met last week to discuss the issue and some residents from Norton Commons east end neighborhood showed up.

“We just think it’s the neatest thing,” said Norton Commons resident Kara White.  “We would just love it if some hoodlum came by our library and just tagged it all up for us.  It would be like snow on Christmas for my husband and I to wake up to.”

More neighbors chimed in during the meeting.  Some even claiming they would pay for the taggers to take a Lyft out to Norton Commons and write their initials on their fense outside.

“It would really bring our urban vibe thing we’ve got goin’ together,” said Norton Commons resident Brad Whiteman.  “But they gotta make sure they do it when we’re asleep.  That’s really important.  Otherwise it won’t feel authentic.”

Most of the Germantown residents just sat there confused trying to understand where the Norton Commons crowd was coming from.  Finally a Grandmother broke the silence and said her grandkids would do it.

“I mean, my grandson Mitch will do it, but he only knows how to write the word faggot,” said the 78 year old Grandmother.  “Sometimes you can’t even read what it says, but I always know what he’s tryin’ to say.”

The two groups seemed to have come to an agreement before leaving the meeting. 

“We don’t want too many tags too quick,” said Whiteman.  “We’d like to start small and then maybe watch the neighborhood turn to a depressing, empty shell of its former self.  Just like a real urban town.  Then we want Gill Holland to come in and gentrify us.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

NEIGHBORHOOD KID UP TO SOMETHING WITH THAT STICK

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With neighborhood watch season in full swing, Germantown residents have taken to porch sitting every Wednesday in an attempt to more closely monitor neighborhood activity. Shelby Street resident Lloyd McMillan, a retired drywall inspector, has made it his personal mission to gather as much data as possible on the recent comings and goings of the neighborhood.

“I seen lots of weird shit,” McMillan says as he sips his home brewed ice tea.  “Strange shit is happenin’ in Germantown nowadays.”

McMillan’s 78 year old wife, Cheryl, sits next to him with a suspicious eye on the neighborhood.

“Every day we see the same little boy walking by our house.  Never said nothin’ to us, but he’s cruisin’ down wrong street with no sign of turnin’ right,” Cheryl interrupts.

A few crumpled fliers for lawn care service tumble quietly around the deserted street like scattered leaves. The couple sits in their lawn chairs sipping ice tea, stiff and emotionless.

“Little boy gots this stick he carries. Neighborhood ain’t seen shit like this before,” Lloyd says. “I don’t like it.”

Just as Lloyd predicted, the little boy appeared and began to descend upon the McMillans street moments later.  The boy looked to be about eight or nine years old, with short, sweeping brown hair and a spiderman shirt.  He approached slowly, aimlessly poking at the dirt with a three foot stick.

“See, just like I said.  Little boy taunts me and my wife every day like this,” said Lloyd.

“I’d love to know why the hell he ain’t at home eatin’ lunch,” Cheryl added. “No boy of ours was ever out roaming the streets at 12:30 in the afternoon.”

The boy mosied by the house, completely ignoring the McMillians, looking a little lonely and mostly bored. The incident lasted approximately 13 seconds before the boy carried on, lazily turning onto Logan Street, his stick still swinging idly at the rocks on the ground.

“I’m getting my concealed carry permit next week,” Lloyd said. “I’m sick of this shit.”

The Germantown Neighborhood association is urging their residents to porch sit like the McMillans every Wednesday night to help with neighborhood safety throughout the summer.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014