Category Archives: Neighborhood News

TODAY IS KICKSTARTER AWARENESS DAY – WE WILL SHARE A LOCAL KICKSTARTER!

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Today is Kickstarter awareness day so we will be picking a local project to share.  Please send in any Kickstarters you know of and we will pick one to share that we think is most deserving.  You can send to germantowntimes@gmail.com.  Thanks

xoxo

-Sandy & Frank

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GERMANTOWN GIRL TO SPEND RELAXING WEEKEND CONVINCING FRIENDS SHES RELAXING ON INSTAGRAM


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GERMANTOWN – With everything that’s been going on in 28 year old Germantown resident Becca Kennedy’s life recently, she’s going to finally relax this weekend.  With temperatures down in the 30′s, and Netflix running strong she’s promising to really unwind and just document every moment on Instagram for her friends over the next 48 hours.

“I want my friends to know I’m doing good,” said Kennedy.  “I want them to know I’m relaxing and loving it.”

Kennedy plans on drinking wine and taking selfies of her lounging around the house, doing relaxing things.

“I’m gonna take a bath while listening to In The Aeroplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel on repeat,” said Kennedy.  “I’ll probably read a book and put up quotes I find refreshing and soothing. The whole weekend will be a lot of work for me to set up all these shots and I’ll probably check my phone obsessively, but it’s gonna be calming or at least appear that way I hope.”

The last time Kennedy had a weekend like this was just last weekend, but she assured us this weekend will truly be calming and laid back.

“I’m just gonna set aside my time off for me and me only,” said Kennedy.  “And for the whole world to observe, comment and understand what I’m up to.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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GERMANTOWN MAN HAS NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN THAT VOTING BOOTH BUT VERY PROUD

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GERMANTOWN – After finishing a bowl of cereal and feeding his cat, 33 year old Germantown man Christopher Bowman headed over to Danny Mac’s to vote.  Today is Bowman’s sixth time voting in his life, and he says every year feels a little bit better.  He doesn’t own a television and says he doesn’t really follow politics all that much, but says voting is very important to him.

“Christopher Columbus left us all something when he came over on that sail boat,” said Bowman.  “I have absolutely no clue who or what I just voted for in there.  But it feels good you know?”

Bowman headed to work texting friends and putting up reminders on Facebook for everyone he knows to go out and vote, but admits voting isn’t easy.

“The first question was between three names,” said Bowman.  “I designed an algorithm that basically breaks down my answers to match the names of the candidates to people I know in real life, or I’m a big fan of.  So for example, the first question I picked this guy Mitch cause I’m a huge Mitch Hedberg fan.  After that I voted for this King person cause I knew this guy in highscool named Ben King that drove a Honda Civic with a V-tech.  He pulled tons of shell.”

Though Bowman’s algorithm worked for most questions, he still found himself confused.

“It was only 20 minutes ago, but it feels like a total blur I have no idea what I just did,” recalled Bowman.  “But man it still feels really good, I’m super proud of everything I accomplished today.  I just hope this ‘I voted’ sticker gets me some shell from an intern at work or something.

At press time Bowman was desperately searching for his ‘I voted’ sticker that must have fallen off in the hallway, saying this was all a big waste of his time if he doesn’t find the sticker.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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ALISON LUNDERGAN GRIMES REFUSES TO ANSWER WHETHER SHE WANTS PAPER OR PLASTIC AT VALUMARKET IN MID CITY MALL

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HIGHLANDS – At a recent trip to the Mid City Mall ValuMarket, congressional candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes repeatedly refused to answer whether she wanted paper or plastic grocery bags.

Cashier Kara Stevens finished scanning Grimes’s groceries, which consisted mainly of $5 coconut waters and pre-cooked bacon, and asked if she would prefer they be placed in paper bags or smaller plastic bags. Both are made from recyclable materials and include the ValuMarket logo.

“She wouldn’t tell me which bag she wanted. I asked her four, five times, and she just kept saying it’s none of my business,” said Stevens.  ” She said ‘This isn’t about bags, it’s about my groceries’ or something. She was kind of the worst.”

Fellow shopper Adelaide Smith, who witnessed the incident, suspected that Grimes did not answer the question for fear of alienating other customers.

“I prefer plastic, myself,” said Smith.  “But other customers nearby were requesting paper. I bet she just didn’t want to offend anyone. ”

Billy Markham, who stocks produce at the store, thought the refusal to answer was “cowardly. She needs to be honest with the people bagging her groceries.”

Markham’s friend Jason Kimball, who works in the deli, agreed. “We deserve to know. If she won’t tell us we’ll all just have to assume she will bankrupt this state.”

Eventually, Stevens called over the store manager, Ricky Adams. “I asked what the problem was, and Grimes insisted that her preference for paper or plastic was private, and we needed to respect that.” Adams offered to help her carry her groceries to the car without a bag, and Grimes asked if he would have asked a man the same question. “I told her I helped an elderly man carry 2 gallons of milk to his car 20 minutes ago, but she had stopped listening to me at that point.  She was asking another cashier if we had any Clinton bags or something.”

According to Adams, Grimes tried to pay in bitcoins after refusing to pay with cash or credit, but eventually paid in quarters and stuffed the groceries inside her large purse before leaving the store.

Sandy Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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SOJOURN ANNOUNCES THEIR HETEROSEXUAL ONLY MEMBERSHIP IS 25% OFF THIS WEEKEND

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GERMANTOWN – Head pastor, Taylor Parrish, had been under heavy stress over the last couple of months after his entire congregation, including himself, came out of the closet.   The news was not well received at other christian churches in Louisville, even Sojourners from different branches called the act “a disgusting joke”.  Several churches began praying when they heard the news, and members from Southeast reportedly built a 300 foot cross out of chicken sandwiches from Chik-Fil-A, that’s been sitting on the church roof for months in protest. Parrish says the praying and chicken crosses have not been in vain, as himself and the rest of his members are all back in the closet.

“It’s taken some time, but we’re all back in the closet and it feels great,” said Parrish.  “The first month of being out was really intense.  We had all night lock-ins, sometimes for a week straight, where we drank a lot of craft beer and got to know each other better.”

Parrish says sometime last month, the prayers started to kick in.

“I woke up one morning and there was an email from my dad saying he never wanted to see me again,” said Parrish.  “And he said they wouldn’t be helping us out financially anymore either.  That night I felt the lord change my heart.  I had a dream Jesus and I were walking through my church, talking about the lock-ins and craft beer communions we’ve been having during prayer.  He told me he loved me just the way I am, but that what I was doing was gross.  I tried to hold his hand, but Jesus kept pulling it away saying he would only hold my hand if I got back in.  I took a deep breath, and he led me right back into the closet.  It was probably the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt spiritually.”

Parrish was inspired from the dream and held a prayer meeting after one final all night lock-in with his members.

“I told them we’ve all gotta come back in the closet and that the door has to stay closed this time,” said Parrish.  “There was some sobbing at first, but after a while everyone came around.  One member told me his father had been sending Chik-Fil-A sandwiches in the mail every week since he came out, and many others had similar stories.  I’m proud to announce everyone in my church is collectively straight and in the closet again.”

Along with this announcement Sojourn is offering a 25% discount, to heterosexual people only, that would like to become members of the church.

“Like we said in that article a few years back in the LEO, all people are welcome in this church.  Whether you’re brown, pink, blue, orange, straight or gay, you’re welcome to worship with us,” said Parrish.  “But if you wanna take advantage of the 25% discount membership this weekend, there’s plenty more room in this closet.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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CAHOOTS PATRONS CRASH POLICE PANCAKE BREAKFAST, E-CIGARETTES DRAWN

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HIGHLANDS – This morning a Louisville Metro Police Pancake breakfast was interrupted when a group of patrons from Cahoots bar came walking in.  The police say the 10 or so, white, heavily tattooed middle aged men in Black Flag shirts didn’t seem to pose any sort of threat, so they all just sat around eating pancakes half listening.

“I was on my second round of pancakes when they came barging in puffing on their e-cigarettes,” said police officer, Jason Kline.  “My buddy leaned in and asked me if we should just kick the shit out of them.  We both laughed and agreed we’d do it after the pancakes had digested.”

One of the cahoots patrons, Dennis Grainger, said it was his tax dollars paying for these pancakes and he was going to help himself to as many pancakes as he could handle.

“We’ve been staking out this pancake breakfast for weeks,” said Grainger.  “We all agreed we’d meet at oh nine hundred hours and rush in.  Usually none of us would ever wake up that early, so we just pulled an all nighter.”

Some of the officers say they are speaking with lawyers as they feel slightly violated.

“We were just there not bothering anyone,” said officer Kevin McDowell.  “One of the guys made me sit and listen to him explain the meaning behind every tattoo on his body.  I felt helpless.”

Officer McDowell managed to pull out his phone and capture a couple of the patrons filming the police eat.  He said the cops and the Cahoots customers were both yelling at each other to stop filming.

“When my dad was a cop in the 70’s, it would have been unheard of for a group of guys to rush in and interrupt your annual pancake breakfast,” said McDowell.  “One of them shouted at me that it was his declaration of independence to be in here eating pancakes.  I didn’t really fight him on it, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about.”

As the pancake breakfast came to an end, the Cahoots customers explained to the cops that they were the biggest assholes in town, and they better never forget that.

“I looked every cop in his eyes and said, ‘We’ve worked hard for years to be known as the biggest group of assholes in this town, so don’t try to be bigger dicks than us. Ever’,” said Grainger.  “I told them they were all free to leave, but if they didn’t want us crashing their next pancake breakfast, they have to promise us that they’ll leave the whole ‘shit head’ thing to the professionals at Cahoots.  I think we came to a mutual understanding.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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FISCHER URGES LOCALS TO PARTICIPATE IN “THE MAYORS SHUT THE FUCK UP CHALLENGE”

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Mayor Greg Fischer called a surprise meeting with the press this morning asking everyone to come together as a community and “shut the fuck up.”  Over the last few years as Mayor, Fischer has challenged citizens to walk more, ride their bikes to work and to eat healthier.  After just a week of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and the death of comedian Robin Williams, Mayor Fischer says he was inspired to challenge his neighbors, colleagues and people across the country to shut the fuck up.

“It’s really starting to get out of control,” said Fischer.  “It’s not only online.  Everywhere I look I just see more and more people that should shut the fuck up.”

Fischer says there’s no charity or sponsors, this is just a good old fashioned challenge.  

“Look if you want to donate some money to a charity, then do so privately,” said Fischer.  “There’s nothing more to my challenge than everyone simply relaxing, sitting on their couch with their loved ones, maybe watching some Cheers or Roseanne, and just shutting the fuck up.”

Word immediately started spreading around Twitter and Facebook.  Currently there are hundreds of videos circulating of neighbors challenging other neighbors to shut the fuck up.  

“I’m gonna walk you through my vision real quick,” said Fischer.  “Imagine if everyone commenting on the Whas 11 Facebook page just shut the fuck up for a week.  It would be really inspiring, and sets a good example for everyone in the community.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

Germantown’s – Louisville’s Best Of 2014

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We’re excited to announce the first Germantown Times best of awards!  Please take the time to vote for all of your favorite things that Louisville has to offer.  Winners will be announced next Monday, xoxo

-Sandy

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LOUISVILLE BRACES AS NEWS SPREADS OF CITY WIDE “SURGE” TONIGHT STARTING AT 830PM

surgePosters started popping up in the Highlands as well as Twitter stating “Louisvilles The Surge Friday August 15th 830PM – 630AM”.  The poster is referring to the movie “The Surge” where the popular softdrink, Surge, can be drank all night starting at 830PM without being grounded or fired from your job.  Parents and bosses all over the city are hoping it’s a cruel hoax.

“This stuff is loaded with sugar and caffeine,” said local mother Karen Duffy.  “I’m not playing this game.  If any of my kids come home with green tongues, I’m grounding all of them.”

News outlets all over the city are warning people not to go overboard on Surge tonight, saying, 6-7 bottles of the stuff can cause cavities, anxiety and even cause you to go #1 where #2 generally comes out.

“We have to remember the movie is fake,” said Home Town Buffet Manager, Tim Dwyer.  “You’re not gonna down 6 cans of Surge and start hacking into mainframes.  It just doesn’t happen like that in the real world.  You have to go to college and study mainframes like the rest of us if you want to learn to be elite.”

Gas station owners are preparing for a surge of “Surgers” tonight as everyone from kids to adults are expected to show up to purchase loads of the soda.

“If you want be truly, 100 percent pure phreaker, you will need to drink at least 8,” said a convenience store clerk on Shelbyville Road.  “When else can you drink the Surge without any disciplinary action?  You must take advantage.  You must.”

Parents and bosses are planning on letting the evening take it’s course, but say they hope a lesson is learned from whatever happens tonight.

“They’re gonna be the ones that have to deal with the consequences,” said Dwyer.  “I told them all before starting the lunch shift today, if anyone has #3 tomorrow after a night of surging I won’t be there to wipe their butts.  And I made it clear they can’t call me tonight, in the middle of surging, to ask me questions about the mainframes they’re trying to bypass, or the backdoors they’re trying to gain access to.”

At press time Lexington is trying to start a similar night, but with gravy and diet Big K.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014