Category Archives: Neighbor News

GERMANTOWN NEIGHBOR COMES FORWARD AS SOURCE OF SMELL ACROSS LOUISVILLE

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GERMANTOWN – Residents across Louisville have been complaining of a smell described as “a wet musty carpet” for the last few weeks.  City officials are stumped and have been running air quality tests for the last few days with nothing turning up.  This morning Tom Nord, spokesman for the cities air district, followed up on a lead pointing to a house on Mulberry street.

“My staff and I pulled up to the house and we all knew right away,” said Nord.

Before anyone from Nord’s team could knock on the door, the home owner, Janet Taylor swung the door open and confessed.

“Yeah it was me,” said Taylor.  “I’ve been walking all over Louisville trying to lose this baby weight.”

Taylor said she’s a little offended by the way local media has been describing her smell on television and print all over the city.

“You try binge watching Steve Harvey and eating tub after tub of manager special hummus,” said Taylor.  “I’m tryin’ to lose these last 100 pounds and the hummus makes me a little gassy.”

Mayor Fischer says he’s glad we can all put this mystery to bed, but called for any Louisville residents currently binge watching Steve Harvey or Steve Wilkos to please stay inside for now.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
March 2015

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GERMANTOWN GIRL DESCRIBES EVERY GUY SHE MEETS AS ‘CREEPY’

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GERMANTOWN – After a devastating breakup last month, Germantown resident Aimee Downs has been going out almost every night after work to have drinks with friends.  Like clockwork, a male will attempt to talk to Downs within an hour of whatever bar she ends up at.

“I’m so creeped out by guys these days,” said Downs.  “You can’t just walk up to a girl sitting at a bar and apologize for bumping her purse, it’s really really eerie.”

Downs said this type of behavior doesn’t just exist out in public, it also affects her online.

“Last week a guy commented on a photo I posted of me in a dress,” said Downs. “It was super creepy.  I mean just because I’m putting up every detail of my life on Facebook doesn’t mean you get to look at it like some awkward perv.”

With catcalling being in the national spotlight lately, Downs says she’s sympathetic with women that get yelled at while walking on the street but thinks there needs to be dialogue about other forms of catcalling.

“Even my mailman put some mail in my mailbox the other day in a super ghoulish way,” said Down.  “I can’t describe it, but its was just really slimy.”

At press time Downs was getting ready to go on a date with a guy she says is really suspect and says if he mentions her hair she spent hours on she’s going to crawl out of her skin.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
December 2014

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GERMANTOWN GIRL PRETTY IMPRESSED WITH HERSELF FOR LIKING NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL

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Marriott and friends hanging out at last years potato face meetup

GERMANTOWN – 36 year old resident of Germantown, Jill Marriott, is pretty impressed with herself for not only wanting to attend the upcoming Neutral Milk Hotel concert at the Brown Hotel next spring, but for just knowing who the band is.  Last year Marriot missed the bands show in Cincinnati and claims she’s talked more on Facebook about missing the show, than her friends that actually made it to the show.

“I’ve been listening to the band since the airplane song came out,” said Marriott.  “I own all of that album and consider myself a Milk Head or Potato Face.”

Neutral Milk Hotel has a large group of followers referred to as “Milk Heads” and “Potato Face’s” that follow the band around the country (mostly on Instagram).  Marriott said Milk Heads usually gather at art shows and talk about the airplane in the notches of your spine song.

“I made a Neutral Milk Hotel playlist last winter when I was really down, and it became the most shared playlist on the Milk Heads message board,” said Marriott.  “It was actually just that airplane song 42 times, but I threw the song about carrot top at the very end.  Everyone appreciated it.”

Social media lit up yesterday after the announcement of the bands upcoming concert, Marriott said she was surprised anyone else even knew about the band.

“It’s weird to see a band you’ve been following for 3 years blow up, but that’s show biz right,” said Marriott.  “Kudos to them though, I mean their music truly inspired an entire generation for a few months when they were in art school.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
December 2014

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PARTRIDGE MEADOWS MAN NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH AROUND NEW GIRLFRIEND TO STOP USING EXCLAMATION POINTS IN TEXT MESSAGES

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LYNDON – Just before heading to bed, 33 year old Partridge Meadows resident, Neal Robinson sends a text to say goodnight to a new girl he’s been seeing.  Robinson has been seeing 28 year old Partridge Meadows resident for almost two months, but says he struggles speaking with her through text messages without using exclamation points.

“We’re just not to that level yet,” said Robinson.  “I’m hoping by Derby next year, I can just end a sentence with a period, but  only if its consentual.”

Robinson isn’t alone though, his new girlfriend Patricia Ives has been reciprocating the exclamation marks as well ever since the two started seeing each other in September.  She says she doesn’t want Robinson to think she’s upset at him.

“I’m so afraid he will read into one of my texts in the wrong way so I just follow up everything with as many exclamation points as I can,” said Ives.  “I don’t know how to stop.”

The two have yet to confess to each other their feelings on the punctuation, but Robinson says he plans to start easing into it this weekend.

“I’m planning on sending a text this weekend ending a the sentence with a smiley face,” said Robinson.  “Then may casually work in an ellipsis or something.  Just slide it in as a surprise and see if she likes it.  She may slap me or heck, maybe it’s something she’s way into.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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GERMANTOWN MAN HATEFULLY SCROLLS THROUGH THE PAGES OF PEOPLE HE’S HIDDEN ON FACEBOOK BEFORE BED

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GERMANTOWN – Just before calling it a night 42 year old Germantown man, Chris O’neill, hatefully scrolled through several people on Facebook he had hidden over the years.  O’neill’s wife, Kaitlyn, says her husband mutters insults as he scrolls laying next to her,  and she can even feel the bed move a little when he shakes his head.

“Why the fuck,” Neil grunted quietly before going back to scrolling.

O’neill doesn’t know why he does this to himself.  The couple recently agreed that Chris should just get off of Facebook if it upsets him so much.

“It always happens right before bed,” said O’neill.  “I don’t really ever think about it, but for some reason right before bed, I’ve gotta know what my conservative father is saying about global warming.”

O’neills doctor has told him to avoid stress at all cost as his blood pressure has been in the high numbers over the last few months.

“If he dies from this shit, I told him he’s gonna feel like an idiot,” said Kaitlyn.  “He needs to pick his battles.  Does it really matter if an old co-worker of his is still posting planking videos?  He’s got better things to worry about.”

At press time O’neill was liking an article about global warming on The New York Times Facebook page, in hopes that it would show up in his fathers newsfeed.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

LYNDON HACKER BREACHES SPOTIFY LOGIN, STARTS PLAYING SONGS

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LYNDON – Yesterday just after dinner time, Meatloaf and Journey songs could be heard spilling out of the windows of 61 year old, Karen Brooks house.  The Lyndon native has been looking for ways to listen to music while she cleans for some time and recently stumbled across a pop up banner for the music provider, Spotify, while surfing Bon Appetit’s website.

“I clicked the big cover photo at the top of the page that said ‘Free Music’,” said Brooks.  “It took me to this new page that said I could have 30 days of free music.  I was a little skeptical at first, so I called LifeLock and added them as a probationary subscriptions service.”

Brooks downloaded the software and spent the next several hours combing her computer for the file.

“I know how to find a file,” said Brooks.  “I personally scan every file in the ‘C’ drive first, and only sometimes do the files go to the ‘D’ drive, so I do that disk last.”

Brooks finally located the spotify installation file and took a few more precautionary steps.

“I saw on CSI Miami once, a woman double clicked a file and it blew up her entire house,” said Brooks.  “I remember one of the detectives said the file went through the phone cord and hacked into the gas line.  So I went into the basement and turned off all the gas lines, unplugged my laptop from the phone cord and signed onto my neighbors wireless internet.”

Moments later, the computer asked to reset as the installation completed.

“I thought I lost everything,” said Brooks.  “The computer just reset.   I started screaming, calling my husband into the room.  I started praying and hitting the ‘H’ key for help on my keyboard.  Low and behold it popped back up and I was back in business.”

Brooks said the experience took up her entire day off, but it was very worth it.  Later this week she’s going over to a girlfriends house to install Spotify but is concerned as the friend lives near a gas station.  Brooks says she will probably suggest her friend bring the computer up to Best Buy just to be safe.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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OLD FRIENDS CATCH UP PUBLICLY ON FACEBOOK OVER THE WEEKEND

LOUISVILLE – Mary Browning and Jessica Jordan worked their first jobs together at Gadzooks in Oxmoor Mall back in the last 90’s.  The two are now stay at home mothers in their thirties and have not actually hung out in over 15 years.  They became Facebook friends a few years ago and casually click like on each others pictures every once and while.  Last weekend Browning was looking for a reputable daycare when Jordan chimed in with a suggestion.  The two continued to play catch up for the next hour in the comment section of Browning’s original post for the next thirty minutes.

“It was great to hear that she’s doing so well,” said Jordan.  “I can’t believe her daughters gotten so big.  I made sure and told her and the whole world that.”

Browning and Jordan went back and forth for almost an hour, both ignoring the private message function Facebook offers.

“It was cool,” said Browning.  “She was liking my reply’s, I was liking hers.  It was really great to catch up with her and hear what her husband and kids are up to.”

The conversation steered around friends they used to hang out with at Denny’s and the possibility of one of them being infected with the AIDS virus.

“I don’t get to chat with my girlfriends much,” said Jordan.  “I mean, in real life.  We talk on each others walls all the time.  I probably won’t even meet up with Mary, but it was fun planning it out and running over our schedules with each other as if we were the only two people on stage in front of thousands of people watching.”

The two seemed to have landed on a mimosa date in the coming weeks, but neither are planning on actually showing up.

You can read the conversation below :

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JENNIFER LAWRENCE RELEASES TOPLESS PHOTOS OF THE HACKERS THAT HACKED HER CLOUD LAST WEEK

LOUISVILLE – Last week Louisville native, Jennifer Lawrence, was allegedly hacked through her phones cloud at the Emmy’s. Several nude photos of the 24 year old actress were released on 4Chan from hackers claiming to be elite.  Lawrence took to her Twitter account this morning announcing she had reverse hacked the hackers responsible for leaking the nude photos of her.  You can see the images below.

 

hairy-fat-guyHacker #1 : XxGuyFoxxyxX

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Hacker #2 : XXxxnegativezerokewlxxXX

tumblr_m7e89u9vPf1rqcu9eo1_400Hacker # 3 : XxGuyFoxxy2xX

 

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HAMMERHEAD’S CHEF WILL RELEASE CHILDREN’S BOOK ABOUT TRUFFLE OIL THIS FALL

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When most people think about foodies and gourmet chefs, they usually don’t think about children’s books.  Hammerhead’s head chef, Chris Powell, is hoping to change that this fall with his new children’s book,”Emily’s New Friend”.  The 36 year old chef has never written a book before, but has written several menu’s for the Germantown staple Hammerheads.

“I love this stuff,” said Powell.  “My wife and I put truffle oil on pretty much everything, but our two daughters are a little fussy with it.  We’re hoping this book will help our kids, and kids around the world realize truffle oil is not only delicious, but fun to play with as well.”

The book is only fifteen pages long and features beautiful illustrations by Powell’s wife.  The first few pages start with a little girl, Emily, playing on a jungle gym when she stumbles on a talking giant bottle of truffle oil.  The truffle oil introduces himself as “Truffy”, and begins to explain how some kids don’t like to put him on everything they eat, and how it hurts his feelings.

“It’s kind of how my first experience was as a kid around truffle oil,” said Powell.  “I accidentally knocked over a bottle onto the floor when I was about 8, and I’ll never forget that smell.  It smelled like weeks old Cheetos and corn nuts on the floorboards of that van Jewel lived in in the 90’s.  But as I started cleaning it up, something clicked.  I started licking the floor.  Licking it clean.  Inch by inch, every stroke of my tongue was slow and thorough.  I made sure I didn’t miss a single drip.  I crawled on my hands and knees, licking as I crawled.  Some of the oil had made its way almost 10 or so feet from where I dropped the bottle.  I didn’t care.  I followed the trail under and around the tables in the kitchen. My wife said I shouldn’t put any of this in the book, which I’m not planning on, but it was an important part of my childhood and history with the oil.  My parents came home and said the floors looked like they had been professionally cleaned.  I laughed and winked at the truffle oil bottle.”

Powell says his book should be available on Amazon this fall and he’s currently working on a duck fat children’s song with the chef from Eiderdown.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014