Category Archives: Middletown

OLD EAST END WOMAN ASKS TO SMELL HUSBANDS DICK AFTER HE RETURNS FROM A NIGHT OUT AT THE NACHBAR

C4T4CK Old man and his wife going through documents , worried about savings LAKE FOREST – Last night 74 year old Lake Forest resident, Rick Schneider, returned home around eight o’clock from having a few drinks at The Nachbar.  Schneider’s wife, Judy, had reportedly been pacing the 12,000 square foot home, holding her cordless telephone over the four hours Rick had been gone.  When Rick finally pulled up in the driveway, neighbors say Judy stormed out of the front door in her bathrobe demanding to smell her husbands dick.

“I’ve read all about what these men are doing up at the Nachbar,” said Judy.  “I’m his wife and I have every right to smell his dick if I have reasonable suspicion.”

Rick reportedly avoided his irate wife in the driveway telling her she’s not smelling his dick.

“Nothing happened at the Nachbar,” said Schneider.  “I just talked to a few girls about Amazon Prime and watched countless women try to take home Rusty the beef jerky guy.  If anyones wife should be smelling their husbands dick when they get home it’s that guys.”

The couple continued to argue into the night after eventually cooling down close to eleven o’clock.  Judy says her husband finally agreed to let her smell his dick if she would take him to Hammerheads this weekend, which she agreed.

“His dick just smelled like old man,” said Judy.  “I’m relieved, but still concerned anytime he goes out to those places without me.  I know the girls out there get all wet when they see a guy in his 70’s from the east end walk into a bar they’re hanging out at, I’m just afraid Rick’s going to give in eventually.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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MIDDLETOWN DOMINOS ASSISTANT SHIFT SUPERVISOR TO EXPLAIN THE COMPLEXITY OF FERGUSON IN 3 HOUR SHIFT TONIGHT WITH COWORKERS

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MIDDLETOWN – 37 year old Dominos assistant shift supervisor, Brent Garmin, spent most of the evening last night reading thousands of tweets and watching UStream videos from Ferguson.  Without jumping to conclusions, Garmin hesitated to say anything at all on his social networks until he heard Russell Brands weigh in on the event.  This morning Garmin woke up with a burden he could not ignore once again to bring his coworkers up to speed on the news tonight.

“These are just kids I work with, you understand, kids,” said Garmin.  “I’m only 37, but I’m their elder.  I feel I have a firm grasp on the hundreds of years of racism in this country, the sensitivity of the police civilian relationship in Ferguson and the Walgreen’s that was set on fire last night.”

Garmin says he usually would talk about the Big Bang Theory with his coworkers, but it’s time for the adults to show up and wreck the party for a bit.

“These kids don’t know anything at all,” said Garmin.  “I’m not sure if they’ve ever listened to anything Russell Brand has said in their entire lives, and that’s concerning.”

Some of Garmin’s coworkers say he’s the smartest guy they know and some said they would sleep with him if he wasn’t so gross.

“One time Brent came into work and asked everyone to take their favorite pizza topping and place it on a pizza,” said one of Garmin’s coworkers, Amanda.  “After we all had placed the different toppings on the pizza, he stepped back and said, what you’re looking at is the second world war and that lonely pineapple in the corner is Abraham Lincoln.  I wish he was attractive and didn’t wear his Tinseltown shirt when he came in on his off days, he would get so much shell.”

At press time Garmin was asking everyone at work to watch him eat an entire pizza and think about how this resembles what happened in Ferguson last night.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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MIDDLETOWN DOMINOS ASSISTANT SHIFT SUPERVISOR EXPLAINS NET NEUTRALITY AND OTHER THINGS TO CO-WORKERS LAST NIGHT

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MIDDLETOWN – 37 year old Dominos assistant shift supervisor, Brent Garmin, had a lot on his mind while heading to work last night.  He had spent the early part of the day skimming articles on Buzzfeed about Net Neutrality.  As he was pulling up to work, Garmin said he felt like Paul Reiser riding past the red coats on his horse to warn the Germans were coming.

“I work with a lot of younger people,” said Garmin.  “I’m the only guy over 30 in there, so I feel it’s up to me to inform them on these things I have a limited understanding about.”

Garmin usually talks about how he would have ended Breaking Bad differently with his coworkers or recites strings of Louis CK bits he’s memorized word for word.  But last night, Garmin said he had to get a little serious.

“Right before rush, I asked them what they know about the biggest human rights issue that’s ever happened in the US,” said Garmin.  “I followed my net neutrality talk up with some of the bare minimum knowledge I have on the Affordable Care Act, and the first amendment.”

Later in the evening, Garmin addressed the recent ebola outbreak with a seventeen year old deliver driver, Jessica.

“There’s a lot of important shit going on right now in the world that you kids are blind to,” Garmin said while filling up his big gulp cup with one squirt from each of the 10 fountain drinks in the lobby.  “You guys are gonna have to grow up eventually and start paying attention like I do.”

At presstime, Garmin was seen renting Air Force One from Redbox in hopes of having a better understanding of American history to share with co-workers this weekend.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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