Category Archives: Louisville News

BELLARMINE MENS ROWING TEAM COACH PROVIDED FORD ESCORT SERVICE FOR PLAYERS

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Louisville – This morning Bellermine officials announced mens rowing team Coach, Joseph Taylor, provided rides to games in his 1995 Ford Escort to his players for the last four years. It’s not clear yet if the 43 year old coach will face any disciplinary actions, but the university says they’re looking into the matter.

“As of right now Coach Taylor isn’t denying any of this happened, he’s just confused why we’re holding a press conference,” said Bellarmine’s spokesman Pat Hartman.  “In the end, we all just want the truth.  If Coach Taylor does indeed drive an 95′ Ford Escort, well then people aught to know about that.”

Coach Taylor was not available for comment, but we were able to obtain a picture of his car which does appear to be an 95′ Ford Escort.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2015

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PAPA JOHN’S CAMARO TO GET EAR PIERCED AT ST. MATTHEWS MALL THIS WEEKEND

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GERMANTOWN NEIGHBOR COMES FORWARD AS SOURCE OF SMELL ACROSS LOUISVILLE

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GERMANTOWN – Residents across Louisville have been complaining of a smell described as “a wet musty carpet” for the last few weeks.  City officials are stumped and have been running air quality tests for the last few days with nothing turning up.  This morning Tom Nord, spokesman for the cities air district, followed up on a lead pointing to a house on Mulberry street.

“My staff and I pulled up to the house and we all knew right away,” said Nord.

Before anyone from Nord’s team could knock on the door, the home owner, Janet Taylor swung the door open and confessed.

“Yeah it was me,” said Taylor.  “I’ve been walking all over Louisville trying to lose this baby weight.”

Taylor said she’s a little offended by the way local media has been describing her smell on television and print all over the city.

“You try binge watching Steve Harvey and eating tub after tub of manager special hummus,” said Taylor.  “I’m tryin’ to lose these last 100 pounds and the hummus makes me a little gassy.”

Mayor Fischer says he’s glad we can all put this mystery to bed, but called for any Louisville residents currently binge watching Steve Harvey or Steve Wilkos to please stay inside for now.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
March 2015

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HIGHLANDS GUY DEVASTATED TO LEARN WILD & WOOLY VIDEO STORE CLOSING, UNSURE OF WHERE HE’LL GET OBSCURE KEVIN SMITH PORN NOW

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HIGHLANDS – Yesterday Wild & Wooly announced they will be closing, adding to the list of iconic businesses to close in the Highlands over the last few years.  The owner stated on Facebook his plans of possibly teaching pilates in the future, causing hundreds of Hobbit fans to actually leave the house and drive to Wild & Wooly to argue with him.  But Hobbit fans aren’t the only one’s upset about the possible departure of the video store, one customer Doug Small, said no one else in town carries obscure Kevin Smith porn titles like Wild & Wooly.

“Everyone always tells me to just go online and get it,” said Small.  “Look the internet is a powerful thing, but I can’t find two guys that look like Kevin Smith having sex with each other. It’s actually one of my favorite titles “Comic Book Men & Other Comic Book Men”.  Google it, I promise it ain’t out there.”

Small showed up to Wild & Wooly last night throwing a tantrum, demanding the video store honor his years of support by making VHS copies of every Kevin Smith porn he’s ever rented.

“I rented “Clerks Having Sex With Each other 6″ several dozen times and even paid hundreds of dollars in late fees,” said Small.  “How can a local business that claims to love their customers just close down suddenly like this?  Especially when “It’s Not A Schooner, It’s A Sailors Butt” is about to come out this spring.”

Many others took to Facebook saying they never shopped at Wild & Wooly but that they liked the idea of it being there.

“I’m outraged by a local business closing,” said a woman on Facebook.  “It’s like when that Incense store Ear-X-Tacy closed.  I never shopped there either but loved telling friends it was still open.”

At press time Lebowski Fest owner Will Russell said he’s thinking of buying Wild & Wooly and having the building air lifted to his new mountain he purchased this month.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
January 2014

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OXMOOR TOYOTA CAR SALESMAN TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL LAND HIMSELF IN JAIL TONIGHT

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LOUISVILLE – With just two hours left in the work day, 36 year old Oxmoor Toyota car salesman, Dave Levinsky is pacing the car lot counting down the minutes until he gets off of work.  Levinsky plans to stop by Old Navy on his way home for his new years outfit, and then its all downhill from there he says.

“Oh yeah I’m goin to jail tonight,” said Levinsky.  “No idea what it is I’m gonna do yet, but I promise you I’m not sleeping in my bed this evening.”

For the last six years at least half of the car salesmen between Oxmoor Toyota and Sam Swope have ended up in jail on New Years Eve, and Levinsky is certain this year will be no different.

“I’m in big trouble as soon as I punch out on that clock,” said Levinsky.  “No way I wake up without regrets tomorrow morning.”

Levinsky says he’ll be partying in pizza town (bardtown rd./baxter area) from about 9 until the arrest, and hopes to yell outside a window of a driving car at some point tonight.

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UofL STUDENT DISCOVERS VINYL, STARTS REFERRING TO EVERY ALBUM HE HEARS AS “HAUNTING”

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LOUISVILLE – 20 year old UofL student, Andrew Hall, was given a record player for his birthday last month from his father.  Hall immediately purchased a hand full of records from Half Price Books and described all of them to friends over the last few weeks as haunting.

“I finally got to listen to Bob Dylan’s “Blonde On Blonde” on wax,” said Hall.  “It’s truly a haunting record with tones of despair and piercing romance that washes over you.  I highly recommend it.”

Hall’s friends claim he started reading Pitchfork and AV Club recently and he’s becoming super annoying.

“Andrew’s already saying he ‘hates Pitchfork’,” said Hall’s friend Derick.  “He was partying with us at Mellow Mushroom just two months ago, now he won’t step foot in a place that doesn’t have analog music.  He actually told me he doesn’t like songs with choruses in them anymore the other night.  It’s all really dumb and I hate that I’m putting up with this shit.”

On Christmas morning, Hall was reportedly flooding Facebook and Instagram pleading with people to listen to Sufjan Steven’s Christmas record and asking friends to consider listening to FLAC instead of regular 128k music on Spotify.

“It’s actually kind of hilarious listening to Neil Young’s Harvest on devices like Spotify, I find myself cracking up when my friends put that stuff on,” said Hall.  “Yeah why don’t you watch Star Wars for the first time on your iPod nano too while you’re at it.  Which is actually a pretty haunting movie if you ever get a chance to see it.”

When asked what his favorite song is currently, Hall said he feels a bit like James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem in the song “Losing My Edge”, and that it encomposses his favorite track at the moment as well as his attitude towards music.

“Everyone can find special stuff now on the internet,” said Hall.  “It’s kind of depressing that no one thumbs through dusty albums at store next door to Moe’s Southwest Grill and Supercuts like I do anymore.”

At press time Hall was about to post a review of Neutral Milk Hotel’s album “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea”, describing it as “devastating”.

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MAYOR FISCHER SAYS MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE WILL ONLY HELP PEOPLE WHO NEED IT

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LOUISVILLE – Mayor Fischer held a press conference yesterday, officially commenting on the minimum wage debate after remaining silent on the issue for months.  Fischer did not mince words, addressing fifteen or so reporters, all on minimum wage themselves.

“Bottom line here guys, this bill is only going to help out the people that need it most,” said Fischer.  “I’m sorry to be the ‘bad guy’ here, but we can’t be a city that just runs around willy nilly doing the right thing.”

Fischer said he does indeed support the minimum wage increase, but that it should be at a state and federal level to help people that need it most.

“Look, if we’re going to help the people that live in this city even marginally, we need to do it at a state or federal level first,” said Fischer.  “The thing about poor people is, they don’t eat at John Varanese’s restaurant and until I see proof that they do, I’m going to veto this bill.”

John Varanese, owner of Varanese on Frankfort, says he applauds the Mayor and hopes people will start coming back to his restaurant after what he said in an article on WFPL on Monday.

“It’s weird, I’m a huge fan of guys like Donald Trump, Duck Dynasty and the bald guy from Shark Tank,” said Varanese.  “And now we got this new hippy mayor, and we agree on something?  I’m so pumped the mayor is siding with guys like me, and that he sees how much this small, gradual increases in wage could help out those that need it most.  God bless this country.”

At press time Norton Common’s residents were standing outside the mayor’s office demanding he tell them what minimum wage means.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
December 2014

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OLD EAST END WOMAN ASKS TO SMELL HUSBANDS DICK AFTER HE RETURNS FROM A NIGHT OUT AT THE NACHBAR

C4T4CK Old man and his wife going through documents , worried about savings LAKE FOREST – Last night 74 year old Lake Forest resident, Rick Schneider, returned home around eight o’clock from having a few drinks at The Nachbar.  Schneider’s wife, Judy, had reportedly been pacing the 12,000 square foot home, holding her cordless telephone over the four hours Rick had been gone.  When Rick finally pulled up in the driveway, neighbors say Judy stormed out of the front door in her bathrobe demanding to smell her husbands dick.

“I’ve read all about what these men are doing up at the Nachbar,” said Judy.  “I’m his wife and I have every right to smell his dick if I have reasonable suspicion.”

Rick reportedly avoided his irate wife in the driveway telling her she’s not smelling his dick.

“Nothing happened at the Nachbar,” said Schneider.  “I just talked to a few girls about Amazon Prime and watched countless women try to take home Rusty the beef jerky guy.  If anyones wife should be smelling their husbands dick when they get home it’s that guys.”

The couple continued to argue into the night after eventually cooling down close to eleven o’clock.  Judy says her husband finally agreed to let her smell his dick if she would take him to Hammerheads this weekend, which she agreed.

“His dick just smelled like old man,” said Judy.  “I’m relieved, but still concerned anytime he goes out to those places without me.  I know the girls out there get all wet when they see a guy in his 70’s from the east end walk into a bar they’re hanging out at, I’m just afraid Rick’s going to give in eventually.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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