Category Archives: Highlands

HIGHLANDS GUY DEVASTATED TO LEARN WILD & WOOLY VIDEO STORE CLOSING, UNSURE OF WHERE HE’LL GET OBSCURE KEVIN SMITH PORN NOW

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HIGHLANDS – Yesterday Wild & Wooly announced they will be closing, adding to the list of iconic businesses to close in the Highlands over the last few years.  The owner stated on Facebook his plans of possibly teaching pilates in the future, causing hundreds of Hobbit fans to actually leave the house and drive to Wild & Wooly to argue with him.  But Hobbit fans aren’t the only one’s upset about the possible departure of the video store, one customer Doug Small, said no one else in town carries obscure Kevin Smith porn titles like Wild & Wooly.

“Everyone always tells me to just go online and get it,” said Small.  “Look the internet is a powerful thing, but I can’t find two guys that look like Kevin Smith having sex with each other. It’s actually one of my favorite titles “Comic Book Men & Other Comic Book Men”.  Google it, I promise it ain’t out there.”

Small showed up to Wild & Wooly last night throwing a tantrum, demanding the video store honor his years of support by making VHS copies of every Kevin Smith porn he’s ever rented.

“I rented “Clerks Having Sex With Each other 6″ several dozen times and even paid hundreds of dollars in late fees,” said Small.  “How can a local business that claims to love their customers just close down suddenly like this?  Especially when “It’s Not A Schooner, It’s A Sailors Butt” is about to come out this spring.”

Many others took to Facebook saying they never shopped at Wild & Wooly but that they liked the idea of it being there.

“I’m outraged by a local business closing,” said a woman on Facebook.  “It’s like when that Incense store Ear-X-Tacy closed.  I never shopped there either but loved telling friends it was still open.”

At press time Lebowski Fest owner Will Russell said he’s thinking of buying Wild & Wooly and having the building air lifted to his new mountain he purchased this month.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
January 2014

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HEINE BROTHERS BARISTA ENJOYS TELLING FRIENDS SHE WANTS TO MOVE PLACES

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HIGHLANDS – Coming back from a recent weekend of visiting friends in Brooklyn, 23 year old Heine Brother barista Julie Duggins is already scouring Craigslist apartments in New York and asking people on Facebook if they know of any places next to the L or R train hiring.  This time last year Duggins had visited friends in Omaha proclaiming she finally found a city that knows how to pour a beer even going as far as setting up several interviews which she never showed up for.

“I love just jumping on the L anytime I feel like it and riding it all the way till the tracks stop,” said Duggins.  “The vegan community’s pretty dope too, I’m not vegan but I could be.  I feel like its time for me to leave this shitty town.”

Duggins says she plans to run her plans by coworkers and friends for the next couple of weeks, maybe even carrying it through the rest of winter until Derby.

“I just want to move somewhere where people don’t know my bullshit,” said Duggins.  “It’s fun to start all over and convince people I’m someone new.”

Telling people about her desire for change has been a passion of Duggins since as far back as she can remember.

“Truth be told, I’m not goin anywhere,” said Duggins.  “If you wanna get really real, my shrink told me when I was a teenager I like to excite others around me, including myself, of drastic change that gives my life texture and mystery even if its pure fantasy.  It’s pretty neat.”

Some of Duggins friends say she does this to them at least once a year.

“She said she was moving to Portland a couple years ago after she discovered Modest Mouse,” said Duggins friend Amanda.  “It’s so annoying, she thinks we all forget when Derby rolls around.”

At press time Duggins changed her mind and is now planning on moving to Old Louisville for now until she can save money to move to Austin or Kauai.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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HIGHLANDS SPEEDWAY CASHIER WAITS PATIENTLY TO UNLOAD WHEN CUSTOMER ASKS HOW HIS DAYS BEEN

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HIGHLANDS – Following a disastrous weekend, 29 year old Speedway cashier Chris Barman is ready to talk about it with his customers.  Barman’s ex-girlfriend attended the grand opening of a new Moe’s Southwest Grill he had been talking about for months, and she even brought her new boyfriend with her.  After leaving the opening Barman says his night got even worst. His phone had died while texting back and forth with his ex while his 1987 Toyota Camry’s axel’s finally gave out leaving him stranded on Taylorsville Rd. His mother had to come pick him up.

“I’m goin off first customer to ask,” said Barman.  “Even if someone asks if I’m staying out of trouble, that’ll be enough.  The whole things gonna take up at least 6 minutes of their time.”

On top of the horrible weekend Barman had, he’s got a lot of other things going on.

“My sisters such a bitch,” said Barman.  “My mom’s a bitch and my dad’s a dick.  On my 28th birthday I was supposed to meet my dad for Blue Moons at BW3’s, he showed up like two hours late and said he could do one Blue Moon but had to go back to work.  I swear he’s always doing shit like that.”

Barman claims he hasn’t had internet in over two months at his apartment, and his cat won’t stop going to the bathroom on his bed. All of which he says will be included in the package for the first customer to ask how he’s doing.

“I’ve worked other jobs, but you can’t corner people the way you can at Speedway,” said Barman.  “There’s a good flow of traffic at the gas station, you’d be surprised how many people are crippled with politeness.  They’ll listen to me until I’m done, it’s really neat.”

At press time Barman was stocking straws at the fountain drinks station explaining to a young woman what Reddit is.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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68 YEAR OLD HIGHLANDS MAN ENDS 42 YEAR MARRIAGE CITING WIFE NOT BEING INTO THE SAME MUSIC AS HIM

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HIGHLANDS – Last night 68 year old Highlands resident, Walter Donnelly, told his wife of 42 years he wanted out of the marriage.  The two had just returned from a quiet dinner at Palermos when Donnelly said he just couldn’t endure it any longer.

“I’m in hell,” said Donnelly.  “She still asks me ‘who is this’ when I put Weezer’s Blue Album on, and she’s being completely serious. I have no idea how we’ve lasted this long.”

Donnelly and his wife have 4 children, all graduated from college and several grandkids.  Friends say they seemed to be happy, but no one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

“We go out to eat with Walter and Melinda all the time,” said Donnelly’s long time friend Stew.  “We’ve all witnessed Melinda ask Walt if this is Queen or Dylan while a Tom Petty album is playing, but Walt just looks at her for a moment, downs his scotch, and then acts like she doesn’t exist for a few minutes.  Other than that they seem great.”

Eight years ago Melinda reportedly brought home a Jason Mraz album and put it on during dinner, Walter claims he sat through it, but withheld sex from her for three weeks.

“I should have seen the writing on the wall when I married her in ’62,” said Donnelly.  “On our fifth anniversary, she asked me if I thought the Beatles would play that ‘hey hey we’re the Monkeys’ song while we were watching the Ed Sullivan show. But you have some kids, get a mortgage and before you know it you’re 68 years old.”

Donnelly admits everything else in his life with Melinda is close to perfect, but he’s tired of living under the same roof as someone who has no idea what the lead singer of Spoons name is.

“When Ear-X-Tacy closed she told me she was upset she’d have to find a new place to buy incense,” said Donnelly.  “I’ve never seen someone so excited to see a Panera Bread roll into town.  Not to mention she still thinks Spotify is a website to compare insurance rates on.”

At press time Donnelly was opening up an Eharmony account listing all of his favorite bands and listing the top 10 Flaming Lips shows he’d been to pre-Embryonic.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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RAMSI’S MENU LANDS 6 SEASON DEAL WITH HBO

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HIGHLANDS – Ramsi’s restaurant took to Facebook yesterday announcing their menu landed a 6 season series with HBO.  The menu has been around for a while and Owner, Jeff Ramsi, says it still doesn’t have an ending but they’re close.  The 368 page menu currently on display at the popular Highlands restaurant is set to be the first season, but Ramsi says there will be some necessary changes in certain plot points in the menu to adapt it to the big screen.

“It’s Hollywood baby, these things happen,” said Ramsi.  “Wait till you see how many other items we added to the menu exclusively for HBO, our fans are gonna love it.

Ramsi’s is notoriously a favorite restaurant in Louisville with people that either just moved here, or people that self identify as “foodies”.  Ramsi says somewhere in season 4 the menu will change to a different world of cuisine (think Klingon), consisting of mostly pudding bowl entrees much like Robocop ate, but with exotic spices.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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ALISON LUNDERGAN GRIMES REFUSES TO ANSWER WHETHER SHE WANTS PAPER OR PLASTIC AT VALUMARKET IN MID CITY MALL

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HIGHLANDS – At a recent trip to the Mid City Mall ValuMarket, congressional candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes repeatedly refused to answer whether she wanted paper or plastic grocery bags.

Cashier Kara Stevens finished scanning Grimes’s groceries, which consisted mainly of $5 coconut waters and pre-cooked bacon, and asked if she would prefer they be placed in paper bags or smaller plastic bags. Both are made from recyclable materials and include the ValuMarket logo.

“She wouldn’t tell me which bag she wanted. I asked her four, five times, and she just kept saying it’s none of my business,” said Stevens.  ” She said ‘This isn’t about bags, it’s about my groceries’ or something. She was kind of the worst.”

Fellow shopper Adelaide Smith, who witnessed the incident, suspected that Grimes did not answer the question for fear of alienating other customers.

“I prefer plastic, myself,” said Smith.  “But other customers nearby were requesting paper. I bet she just didn’t want to offend anyone. ”

Billy Markham, who stocks produce at the store, thought the refusal to answer was “cowardly. She needs to be honest with the people bagging her groceries.”

Markham’s friend Jason Kimball, who works in the deli, agreed. “We deserve to know. If she won’t tell us we’ll all just have to assume she will bankrupt this state.”

Eventually, Stevens called over the store manager, Ricky Adams. “I asked what the problem was, and Grimes insisted that her preference for paper or plastic was private, and we needed to respect that.” Adams offered to help her carry her groceries to the car without a bag, and Grimes asked if he would have asked a man the same question. “I told her I helped an elderly man carry 2 gallons of milk to his car 20 minutes ago, but she had stopped listening to me at that point.  She was asking another cashier if we had any Clinton bags or something.”

According to Adams, Grimes tried to pay in bitcoins after refusing to pay with cash or credit, but eventually paid in quarters and stuffed the groceries inside her large purse before leaving the store.

Sandy Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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BAXTER’S 942 HOLDS BEST ED HARDY SHIRT CONTEST, RESULTS IN 47-WAY TIE

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Check out other exciting events at Baxter’s 942, including Loudest Bachelor Party Contest, Loudest Bachelorette Party Contest, and Get Turnt Monday Night Bingo.

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BOOKS AND MUSIC EXCHANGE OFFERS MAN $1.16 FOR HIS SOUL

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HIGHLANDS – Mark Ferrell was in panic mode yesterday as he realized he was short almost $50 for his portion of rent coming up.  He had already cashed in a jar of change with Coinstar last month, and sold most everything of value on craigslist since moving out of his parents house this past spring.  Without any other options, Ferrell walked up to Books And Music Exchange to see what his soul was worth.

“I can’t move back in with my parents,” said Ferrell.  “If these guys offer me a good price for my soul, I’m gonna just take it.  Would be cool if I could have some money to get me through next month too.”

Ferrell approached the checkout counter once inside B&M Exchange, informing the worker he was interested in possibly selling his soul.  The worker barely glanced Ferrell over as he began typing in information on his computer screen, asking if this will be for cash or store credit.

“I almost had a lapse in judgement and went for store credit,” said Ferrell.  “But I just had to remind myself that rents more important than having a Dreamcast.”

After five minutes of getting some basic information, the worker offered Ferrell $1.16 for his soul.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Ferrell.  “I’m a high school graduate, I’ve had a couple of semi viral meme’s that were passed around Reddit last year.  There’s no way my soul’s only worth a dollar and sixteen cents.”

The worker explained that Ferrell was a popular soul back in the late 80’s, as most white kids were involved in some form of church and didn’t have a lot of access to porn.  But now a mid twenties, white kid that tweets Kevin Smith and has a poor diet is pretty much all he sees in his store these days.  Ferrell tried bartering with the worker, explaining his roommate was offered $200, but the worker made it clear he had too many similar souls in stock right now, and they’re having trouble moving them already.

Ferrell said the worker offered to give him an extra dollar on top of the original offer if he wanted store credit.  After a couple of minutes, Ferrell took the store credit after seeing Terminator 2 for Super Nintendo was an even trade for his soul.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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HIGHLANDS PANERA BREAD FRANCHISE OWNER SAYS HE WISHES THERE WAS A PLACE NEARBY HE COULD BUY SOME GOOD VINYL

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HIGHLANDS – Wishing there was a place nearby that sold vinyl, 48 year old Panera Bread franchise owner, Mike Waggener, says he thought he would be in the company of cool local stores when he moved into the area three years ago.  But Waggener is noticing more and more that the Highlands is just becoming a strip mall that’s too expensive for truly quirky local businesses to move into.

“My wife and I arrived here from St. Louis a few years back when we opened the Panera,” said Waggener. “We chose this area specifically because we heard the Highlands was a hip area, but it’s just a bunch of boring shops.”

While Waggener admits he doesn’t have tons of time to shop in the area, he says what he misses most is shopping for vinyl after a long day at work.

“When my wife and I lived in St. Louis, we would meet after work and spend a couple of hours shopping for vinyls and other cool things at a local record store, Euclid Records,” said Waggener.  “I know there are some record shops here in town, but we live across the street and I just walk everywhere.  I’m just saying it would be nice to have a record shop closer to the Panera.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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CAHOOTS PATRONS CRASH POLICE PANCAKE BREAKFAST, E-CIGARETTES DRAWN

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HIGHLANDS – This morning a Louisville Metro Police Pancake breakfast was interrupted when a group of patrons from Cahoots bar came walking in.  The police say the 10 or so, white, heavily tattooed middle aged men in Black Flag shirts didn’t seem to pose any sort of threat, so they all just sat around eating pancakes half listening.

“I was on my second round of pancakes when they came barging in puffing on their e-cigarettes,” said police officer, Jason Kline.  “My buddy leaned in and asked me if we should just kick the shit out of them.  We both laughed and agreed we’d do it after the pancakes had digested.”

One of the cahoots patrons, Dennis Grainger, said it was his tax dollars paying for these pancakes and he was going to help himself to as many pancakes as he could handle.

“We’ve been staking out this pancake breakfast for weeks,” said Grainger.  “We all agreed we’d meet at oh nine hundred hours and rush in.  Usually none of us would ever wake up that early, so we just pulled an all nighter.”

Some of the officers say they are speaking with lawyers as they feel slightly violated.

“We were just there not bothering anyone,” said officer Kevin McDowell.  “One of the guys made me sit and listen to him explain the meaning behind every tattoo on his body.  I felt helpless.”

Officer McDowell managed to pull out his phone and capture a couple of the patrons filming the police eat.  He said the cops and the Cahoots customers were both yelling at each other to stop filming.

“When my dad was a cop in the 70’s, it would have been unheard of for a group of guys to rush in and interrupt your annual pancake breakfast,” said McDowell.  “One of them shouted at me that it was his declaration of independence to be in here eating pancakes.  I didn’t really fight him on it, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about.”

As the pancake breakfast came to an end, the Cahoots customers explained to the cops that they were the biggest assholes in town, and they better never forget that.

“I looked every cop in his eyes and said, ‘We’ve worked hard for years to be known as the biggest group of assholes in this town, so don’t try to be bigger dicks than us. Ever’,” said Grainger.  “I told them they were all free to leave, but if they didn’t want us crashing their next pancake breakfast, they have to promise us that they’ll leave the whole ‘shit head’ thing to the professionals at Cahoots.  I think we came to a mutual understanding.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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