Category Archives: Bars

HILLTOP TAVERN PATRON TO ASK IF YOU CAN GRAB THAT PING-PONG BALL UNDER YOUR TABLE TONIGHT

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CLIFTON – Excited about heading to Hilltop Tavern tonight for St. Patricks day, 38 year old Clifton resident, John Littlefield says he will most certainly ask people to grab the ping-pong ball that just landed under their table this evening.  Customers at Hilltop find themselves getting pinged in the head by ping-pong balls, and even an occasional ball in their beer.  This is all due to the owners of the local pub insisting a ping-pong table is perfectly placed in the middle of people drinking beer, eating food and not playing the game.

“I couldn’t imagine The Hill not having a ping-pong table,” said Littlefield.  “When it gets really crowded I sometimes whack people with my paddle and have to apologize, but it’s all part of having a giant table with a flying ball and paddles in the middle of a dining room.”

Owners of Hilltop say they try to have things like board games and Walking Dead viewing parties for patrons to enjoy while drinking, but refused to comment much on the ping-pong table.

“It’s a great game and we’re going to leave it at that,” said owner, Nick Karl.  “Everyone knows if they come to Hilltop, and they sit by the 9 foot table, they’re in for a night of being annoyed.  And I think everyone loves that.”

Some customers say it’s not the ping-pong table that annoys them as much as the type of people that show up to play ping-pong.

“I love ping-pong, we have a table at home,” said a man dodging balls flying past his head.  “Look, let me put it to you like this.  I like the Flaming Lips and all, but can’t stand the people that show up to their shows.  Does that make sense?”

At press time the owners of Hilltop said they are thinking about adding a lawn dart game in the middle of the bar.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
March 2015

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OLD EAST END WOMAN ASKS TO SMELL HUSBANDS DICK AFTER HE RETURNS FROM A NIGHT OUT AT THE NACHBAR

C4T4CK Old man and his wife going through documents , worried about savings LAKE FOREST – Last night 74 year old Lake Forest resident, Rick Schneider, returned home around eight o’clock from having a few drinks at The Nachbar.  Schneider’s wife, Judy, had reportedly been pacing the 12,000 square foot home, holding her cordless telephone over the four hours Rick had been gone.  When Rick finally pulled up in the driveway, neighbors say Judy stormed out of the front door in her bathrobe demanding to smell her husbands dick.

“I’ve read all about what these men are doing up at the Nachbar,” said Judy.  “I’m his wife and I have every right to smell his dick if I have reasonable suspicion.”

Rick reportedly avoided his irate wife in the driveway telling her she’s not smelling his dick.

“Nothing happened at the Nachbar,” said Schneider.  “I just talked to a few girls about Amazon Prime and watched countless women try to take home Rusty the beef jerky guy.  If anyones wife should be smelling their husbands dick when they get home it’s that guys.”

The couple continued to argue into the night after eventually cooling down close to eleven o’clock.  Judy says her husband finally agreed to let her smell his dick if she would take him to Hammerheads this weekend, which she agreed.

“His dick just smelled like old man,” said Judy.  “I’m relieved, but still concerned anytime he goes out to those places without me.  I know the girls out there get all wet when they see a guy in his 70’s from the east end walk into a bar they’re hanging out at, I’m just afraid Rick’s going to give in eventually.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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CLIFTON MAN WITH NEW MAKLEMORE HAIRCUT TO JOIN GROUP OF FRIENDS TONIGHT AT HILLTOP TAVERN LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED

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CLIFTON – Clifton resident, Cody Weiss, recently had his hair cut like “Macklemore’s” at Derby City Chop Shop this week.  The 28 old plans on showing up to Hilltop Tavern tonight to meet some friends like nothing happened.

“I’m just gonna roll up on the table,” said Weiss.  “I’ll probably call someone on my phone right before I walk in so I can be in the middle of a conversation when they see the new cut.”

Weiss says this isn’t the first time he’s unloaded something new he’s trying out overnight on friends.

“Last year I just showed up with a fedora on,” said Weiss.  “I always wanted to be a hat guy, but it’s hard to transition into that.  I decided to show up to a friend of ours funeral with it on so people wouldn’t be in the mood to question it or make fun of me.  It actually worked out pretty well.”

Weiss plans on really gelling it up and says he may have a few other distractions ready incase the phone call falls through.

“My rent just got raised, so I’m thinking I may get off the phone and immediately start complaining about how my landlords a dick and let everyone know money’s really tight right now,” said Weiss.  “If I can make it uncomfortable quickly, they’ll probably just let me have this new haircut without giving me any shit.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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CAHOOTS PATRONS CRASH POLICE PANCAKE BREAKFAST, E-CIGARETTES DRAWN

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HIGHLANDS – This morning a Louisville Metro Police Pancake breakfast was interrupted when a group of patrons from Cahoots bar came walking in.  The police say the 10 or so, white, heavily tattooed middle aged men in Black Flag shirts didn’t seem to pose any sort of threat, so they all just sat around eating pancakes half listening.

“I was on my second round of pancakes when they came barging in puffing on their e-cigarettes,” said police officer, Jason Kline.  “My buddy leaned in and asked me if we should just kick the shit out of them.  We both laughed and agreed we’d do it after the pancakes had digested.”

One of the cahoots patrons, Dennis Grainger, said it was his tax dollars paying for these pancakes and he was going to help himself to as many pancakes as he could handle.

“We’ve been staking out this pancake breakfast for weeks,” said Grainger.  “We all agreed we’d meet at oh nine hundred hours and rush in.  Usually none of us would ever wake up that early, so we just pulled an all nighter.”

Some of the officers say they are speaking with lawyers as they feel slightly violated.

“We were just there not bothering anyone,” said officer Kevin McDowell.  “One of the guys made me sit and listen to him explain the meaning behind every tattoo on his body.  I felt helpless.”

Officer McDowell managed to pull out his phone and capture a couple of the patrons filming the police eat.  He said the cops and the Cahoots customers were both yelling at each other to stop filming.

“When my dad was a cop in the 70’s, it would have been unheard of for a group of guys to rush in and interrupt your annual pancake breakfast,” said McDowell.  “One of them shouted at me that it was his declaration of independence to be in here eating pancakes.  I didn’t really fight him on it, he sounded like he knew what he was talking about.”

As the pancake breakfast came to an end, the Cahoots customers explained to the cops that they were the biggest assholes in town, and they better never forget that.

“I looked every cop in his eyes and said, ‘We’ve worked hard for years to be known as the biggest group of assholes in this town, so don’t try to be bigger dicks than us. Ever’,” said Grainger.  “I told them they were all free to leave, but if they didn’t want us crashing their next pancake breakfast, they have to promise us that they’ll leave the whole ‘shit head’ thing to the professionals at Cahoots.  I think we came to a mutual understanding.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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AGAINST THE GRAIN THINKS HIRING ONE MORE GIRL WITH TATTOOS OUGHT TO DO IT

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Against The Grain brewery is known for serving craft beer and BBQ right outside of Louisville’s Triple-A baseball stadium.  Last week when I stopped in to speak with the service manager, Marty Chadwell, he mentioned a couple of changes that have happened since he started working in the new position, and some changes he’ll be making in the near future.

“I was hired last fall and immediately I was like, we need to hire some good workers that show real passion in the service industry,” said Chadwell.  “The first person we hired was this girl that had 15 years of service industry experience, but she had like 3 tats that were all Looney Toons related.  We let her work for a little bit, but fired her after we found Jessie.   Jessie has a tat that says “OBEY” on her right butt cheek.  We almost gave her stock in the company right away, but thought we would see if she could use a POS station first.  Also we needed to know what other ink she has in mind for the future.”

Chadwell says the brewery has since hired 15 more girls like Jessie with great tats, but thinks one more ought to do it.

“It wasn’t until I started hovering around American Outfitters that I started finding some girls with really sweet tats,” said Chadwell.  “One girl had this tat that was like two guns in her belt loop and in between the guns it said, “Kentucky Bitch”.  I thought about giving her keys to the restaurant right there on the spot, but thought I would see how many glasses of water she could carry first.”

Chadwell thinks the girls tattoos add to the brewery’s edgy image, and they look super “cool as fuck”.

“My wife’s got tats, I’ve got tats, all the cooks up here have tats, the owners have tats,” said Chadwell.  “My neighbors got tats, barbers got tats, grocery baggers got tats, father in law has tats, postmans got tats, kids sunday school teachers got tats, lady checking us out at TJ Maxx had tats, guy at Apple store had tats, guy jogging by my house has tats, manager at California Pizza has tats, so I figured, why not an army of chill as fuck girl servers with tats?”

At presstime Against The Grain said they will be hiring kitchen staff with sick ass mohawks next month.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

GUY AT FOUR PEGS HAS FRIENDS DOUBLED OVER DOING HIS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPRESSION

friends-drinking-at-a-bar28 year old Greg McCubbin was hanging out with friends last Thursday when he casually started slipping in some of his go to impressions of actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Get in the choppa!! Do it now!! It’s not a tooma!” yelled McCubbin, as his friends nearly knocked over several glasses in a collective laughing fit.

“He’s insanely hilarious,” said McCubbin’s friend, Kristen.  “He should be doing standup.”

McCubbin, a huge fan of Family Guy, said he’s been making people laugh for as long as he can remember.  He attributes his desire to make people laugh to his comic hero, Robin Williams, noting that the recent passing of Williams hit him “harder than I could ever have imagined.” He continued to work the table for twenty minutes, customizing his Arnold impressions for the group of friends.

“Brittany, I’m gonna go grab a beer,” McCubbin said in his grunting Schwarzenegger voice.  “I’ll be back.”

The group of friends waited patiently for McCubbin, who returned to the table and immediately jumped back in with more Schwarzenegger quotes which sent the whole table into hysteria, most unable to continue drinking.  Moments later, McCubbin surprised everyone when he switched tones and began doing pitch perfect Ace Ventura impressions.

“Do not go in there!” McCubbin yelled after returning from the bathroom.  “Reee-he-he-eeeally.”

McCubbin’s friend Jennifer hit the floor laughing and pulled half the table of drinks down with her.  It seemed the night was over as they all immediately stopped laughing and started helping her clean up the mess of broken bottles.  The table seemed to be settled in for the night as they ordered food and started talking about work related issues.  Just as the food arrived, McCubbin shouted “Get-In-Ma-Beeeellly!” which sent an earthquake through the table, again knocking over several drinks, phones and half of the food to the floor.

“We keep telling him he needs to be on Saturday Night Live,” said Kristen.  “I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff.”

At press time, McCubbin was in the breakroom at work sending coworkers into stitches channeling Jim Carrey from Dumb And Dumber, saying quote, “I like coffee, I like it-a-lot”.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

MAN APPLAUDS AT WRONG PART OF JAZZ GUITAR SOLO AT NACHBAR

30Last weeks jazz performance at Nach Bar devastated Germantown resident Jeff Downs when he mistakenly stood up and began applauding like a dumb monkey before a jazz solo was over.  Patrons immediately started sending shame stares Downs’ way who slowly sat down and began stress drinking his pint of Bourbon Barrel Stout.

“I’ve never been so humiliated.  I’ve been listening to jazz for years on WFPK and thought I was ready to experience it in person,” said Downs.  “Even the keyboardist looked up from his keyboard and shot a disapproving glance in my direction.  Mother was right, I have no business being in public.”

After the disastrous faux pas, Downs proceeded to drink his beer quickly while staring at his phone pressing numbers and symbols incoherently on his calculator.

“Of course he was just taking a pause,” said Downs.  “I thought it was my moment.  I thought, maybe I could be the leader for once.  I heard some girl whisper to her friend that I was probably breastfed for too long.  I guess it’s obvious.”

Downs stood up and awkwardly walked over to the jukebox where he casually browsed a few pages before walking to the bar to pay his tab.  A girl locking up her bike outside said Downs was sitting in his car sweating profusely, slamming his head on the steering wheel screaming, “Fuckin’ idiot!”

“He looked like Philip Seymour Hoffman in Boogie Nights,” the girl recalled.  “His face was all red and he looked like he was literally dying inside and out.  It was neat.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

 

OLD GUY FROM EAST END TELLS WIFE HE’S GOING TO THE NACHBAR TO GET SOME PUSSY

depressed-old-man_opt78 year old Gill Conley left his house in a hurry Thursday night after an argument with his wife, according to a neighbor. Conley and his wife were reportedly arguing about his recently purchased iPad when things took a turn for the worse.

“I was cleaning up my back deck when I heard them going at it,” said Conley’s next door neighbor Phil Markey. “Gill’s wife was yelling at him and he just started walking away mid fight. He grabbed his keys off of the picnic table and said he was going to the Nachbar to get some pussy. I’ve never seen Gill that sure of anything.”

Conley allegedly showed up to Nachbar around 8 pm last night and stood around with his hands in his pockets for an hour and a half.

“He was sipping a Bud Light and just kind of stood there by the back couch,” said Nachbar customer Jenny Williams. “He asked me if I’d ever been to Cheddars, but I just rolled my eyes and kept walking.”

Conley was seen walking into the girls bathroom accidentally as he rushed back out looking quite embarrassed. “He apologized to a few of the girls standing outside by the handsink,” recalls bartender Guss Boyd. “As the girls were walking away I heard him ask if any of them liked Jason Mraz.”

Moments later, Conley overheard a few of the girls from the restroom situation asking Rusty the jerky guy if he wanted to have his way with all of them after his shift.

“Yeah these girls were telling Rusty he could basically put it anywhere he wants,” said Boyd. “The old man looked pretty upset and told the girls he could buy all of the jerky in Rusty’s basket if he felt like it, which he did.  I think he was trying to prove a point.”

Conley was reportedly seen sitting in his car for about 30 minutes just staring at the steering wheel before he left.

“He was just like sitting in his car without the engine running,” said a girl chaining up her bike outside. “I think he was actually crying as he ran his hand slowly through his hair. I think he said ‘what happened’ or something. It was hilarious.”

Conley was spotted pulling back into his driveway by himself around 10 pm.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

 

GROUCHO’S CUSTOMERS CLAIM WHITE GUY JUST WALKED IN AND SANG THAT REGULATERS SONG

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After midnight there’s no telling what will happen if you’re out roaming through Germantown bars.  Last weekend customers at Grouchos Karaoke Bar all claim to have witnessed the same ordeal.

“I was just sitting there looking at my phone like I always do,” said Grouchos regular Donny Moopin.  “All of a sudden this white guy in his early twenties comes in with one of those “how to pronounce Louisville” t-shirts on, gets up on stage, and sings Regulate by Nate Dogg and Warren G.  His flow was way slow and crazy manageable, just like the original song.”

Moopin then checked his phone as if he were trying to remember some other details of the evening, adding, “Plus he seamlessly flowed to and from the ‘long beach staccato’ of Warren G to the ‘west coast Eugene Levy’ of Nate Dogg. My friends and I all looked at each other at the same time saying, is this really happening?”

The song lasted only 3 minutes, but witnesses agreed that they wished it was more like 4 or even 4 and half minutes, as they sort of couldn’t get enough.

A group of white girls with crudely hand drawn penises on them, celebrating a bachelorette party, were all very impressed.

“I’ve been into hip hop music for almost 7 years and I’ve never seen someone adventurous enough to try out that song,” said one of the white girls, in between yelling “EASTSIIIIDE MOOTEEEEEEEEEEEEL” over and over again.  “I literally died when he did the songs’ signature spoken part in the beginning.  It’s super obscure, and I feel like you have to be literally dope to pull it off like that guy did. Plus then there at the end when he changed ‘213’ to ‘502 will regulate’, I mean like Jessica, she like literally lost her shit.”

The owner of Grouchos says the same mysterious man comes in semi regularly, but he usually just orders a Stella Artois and eats mozzarella sticks all night.

“I didn’t even know if I had the song in my system,” said Groucho.  “It was way dope and sick.  I’ve never seen a white guy in khaki shorts so sure of anything in my entire life.”

As of press time, Jessica says she’s not sure, but she may try the song with all of her girlfriends next weekend if someone else signs up for Love Shack.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014