Category Archives: Anchorage

PAPA JOHN’S CAMARO TO GET EAR PIERCED AT ST. MATTHEWS MALL THIS WEEKEND

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WOMAN FROM ANCHORAGE EXCITED TO ADD THE WORD HIPSTER TO VOCABULARY

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ANCHORAGE – Stay at home mother of six, Jillian Clayborne, was watching an episode of Modern Family the other night when she heard the word hipster yelled at a woman in the show.  Clayborne says she has heard the word hundreds of times but it didn’t register as an insult until recently.

“I learned the word “basic bitch” a few months ago, which is basically a female that wears stuff like Gucci,” said Clayborne.  “My husband is such a hipster. He wears polo shirts popped on the weekend when he hangs out at his friends house.  I also noticed he eats bagel chips when he’s drunk which everyone knows is a classic hipster move.”

Clayborne’s husband says he’s happy his wife has a new insult but she needs to reel it in a bit.

“We were out a Cheddars the other night and she called the manager a hipster because her steak was a little dry,” said Clayborne’s husband Marty.  “I don’t think she really gets what it means, but I don’t want to discuss it with her cause she said the other night she noticed hipsters are always talking about things.”

Clayborne says she’s so tired of hipsters taking over everything she’s been doing for years.

“These young hipster ladies at work literally just started listening to 99.7 DJX like last week”, said Clayborne.  “I just grit my teeth when I hear them talking about the new Taylor Swift song.  They’re such idiots, that song’s been out for over two months.”

At press time Clayborne was seen yelling at a woman in the Springhurst Starbucks accusing her of being a turbo hipster.

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ANCHORAGE RESIDENTS VOTE TO HAVE ROADS REMOVED IN EAST END TO BE REPLACED WITH HELICOPTER & JET PACK LANDING PADS

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ANCHORAGE – The City of Anchorage has filed suit against surrounding east end neighborhoods over shared usage of roadways. One side says it will create less traffic; The other, that it’s protecting tax payers money. Now a judge will have to decide who is legally in the wrong.

“It’s a bipartisan issue and our children suffer when we can’t get a Pizza from Papa Johns due to traffic,” said Anchorage resident Claire White.  “It’s 2014, everyone has cell phones, televisions and access to helicopters.  Now I’m not out of touch or anything, I realize not everyone has a jetpack, but these landing pads will be multi purpose so we can fit everyone’s needs.”

Some Lyndon residents I spoke with say they don’t know anyone personally with either a helicopter or a jetpack and this bill will only benefit the people of Anchorage.

“How am I supposed to get to work or my kids to school,” said Lyndon resident Gale Chase.  “This is just ridiculous, I’ve got no plans at all of getting a helicopter.”

At a local town hall meeting in Anchorage last night, locals from all across the east end were invited to show up and discuss their concerns.  The town hall in Anchorage is only accessible by helicopter.

“See this is what we all knew would happen, people in Lyndon are so lazy,” said White. “I knew none of them would show up, this is what’s wrong with the country.”

Some neighbors from Middletown’s subdivision Lake Forest showed up to show support for the new bill, and even some neighbors from the north in Norton Commons.

“This is just great,” said Norton Commons resident Stew Peachskin. “We’ve been pushing to get rid of roads for a while, I hate em.  We also need to turn Bellwood into a golf course, but that’s an issue for another day.”

Anchorage mayor, Papa John says there are plans of putting in 160 helicopter/jetpack landing pads across the east end initially, but he understands these things take time and most people are just now getting into flying.

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