Monthly Archives: January 2015


30s soccer mom

ANCHORAGE – Stay at home mother of six, Jillian Clayborne, was watching an episode of Modern Family the other night when she heard the word hipster yelled at a woman in the show.  Clayborne says she has heard the word hundreds of times but it didn’t register as an insult until recently.

“I learned the word “basic bitch” a few months ago, which is basically a female that wears stuff like Gucci,” said Clayborne.  “My husband is such a hipster. He wears polo shirts popped on the weekend when he hangs out at his friends house.  I also noticed he eats bagel chips when he’s drunk which everyone knows is a classic hipster move.”

Clayborne’s husband says he’s happy his wife has a new insult but she needs to reel it in a bit.

“We were out a Cheddars the other night and she called the manager a hipster because her steak was a little dry,” said Clayborne’s husband Marty.  “I don’t think she really gets what it means, but I don’t want to discuss it with her cause she said the other night she noticed hipsters are always talking about things.”

Clayborne says she’s so tired of hipsters taking over everything she’s been doing for years.

“These young hipster ladies at work literally just started listening to 99.7 DJX like last week”, said Clayborne.  “I just grit my teeth when I hear them talking about the new Taylor Swift song.  They’re such idiots, that song’s been out for over two months.”

At press time Clayborne was seen yelling at a woman in the Springhurst Starbucks accusing her of being a turbo hipster.

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HIGHLANDS – Yesterday Wild & Wooly announced they will be closing, adding to the list of iconic businesses to close in the Highlands over the last few years.  The owner stated on Facebook his plans of possibly teaching pilates in the future, causing hundreds of Hobbit fans to actually leave the house and drive to Wild & Wooly to argue with him.  But Hobbit fans aren’t the only one’s upset about the possible departure of the video store, one customer Doug Small, said no one else in town carries obscure Kevin Smith porn titles like Wild & Wooly.

“Everyone always tells me to just go online and get it,” said Small.  “Look the internet is a powerful thing, but I can’t find two guys that look like Kevin Smith having sex with each other. It’s actually one of my favorite titles “Comic Book Men & Other Comic Book Men”.  Google it, I promise it ain’t out there.”

Small showed up to Wild & Wooly last night throwing a tantrum, demanding the video store honor his years of support by making VHS copies of every Kevin Smith porn he’s ever rented.

“I rented “Clerks Having Sex With Each other 6″ several dozen times and even paid hundreds of dollars in late fees,” said Small.  “How can a local business that claims to love their customers just close down suddenly like this?  Especially when “It’s Not A Schooner, It’s A Sailors Butt” is about to come out this spring.”

Many others took to Facebook saying they never shopped at Wild & Wooly but that they liked the idea of it being there.

“I’m outraged by a local business closing,” said a woman on Facebook.  “It’s like when that Incense store Ear-X-Tacy closed.  I never shopped there either but loved telling friends it was still open.”

At press time Lebowski Fest owner Will Russell said he’s thinking of buying Wild & Wooly and having the building air lifted to his new mountain he purchased this month.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
January 2014

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