Monthly Archives: December 2014

OXMOOR TOYOTA CAR SALESMAN TO DO SOMETHING THAT WILL LAND HIMSELF IN JAIL TONIGHT

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LOUISVILLE – With just two hours left in the work day, 36 year old Oxmoor Toyota car salesman, Dave Levinsky is pacing the car lot counting down the minutes until he gets off of work.  Levinsky plans to stop by Old Navy on his way home for his new years outfit, and then its all downhill from there he says.

“Oh yeah I’m goin to jail tonight,” said Levinsky.  “No idea what it is I’m gonna do yet, but I promise you I’m not sleeping in my bed this evening.”

For the last six years at least half of the car salesmen between Oxmoor Toyota and Sam Swope have ended up in jail on New Years Eve, and Levinsky is certain this year will be no different.

“I’m in big trouble as soon as I punch out on that clock,” said Levinsky.  “No way I wake up without regrets tomorrow morning.”

Levinsky says he’ll be partying in pizza town (bardtown rd./baxter area) from about 9 until the arrest, and hopes to yell outside a window of a driving car at some point tonight.

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GERMANTOWN GIRL DESCRIBES EVERY GUY SHE MEETS AS ‘CREEPY’

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GERMANTOWN – After a devastating breakup last month, Germantown resident Aimee Downs has been going out almost every night after work to have drinks with friends.  Like clockwork, a male will attempt to talk to Downs within an hour of whatever bar she ends up at.

“I’m so creeped out by guys these days,” said Downs.  “You can’t just walk up to a girl sitting at a bar and apologize for bumping her purse, it’s really really eerie.”

Downs said this type of behavior doesn’t just exist out in public, it also affects her online.

“Last week a guy commented on a photo I posted of me in a dress,” said Downs. “It was super creepy.  I mean just because I’m putting up every detail of my life on Facebook doesn’t mean you get to look at it like some awkward perv.”

With catcalling being in the national spotlight lately, Downs says she’s sympathetic with women that get yelled at while walking on the street but thinks there needs to be dialogue about other forms of catcalling.

“Even my mailman put some mail in my mailbox the other day in a super ghoulish way,” said Down.  “I can’t describe it, but its was just really slimy.”

At press time Downs was getting ready to go on a date with a guy she says is really suspect and says if he mentions her hair she spent hours on she’s going to crawl out of her skin.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
December 2014

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UofL STUDENT DISCOVERS VINYL, STARTS REFERRING TO EVERY ALBUM HE HEARS AS “HAUNTING”

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LOUISVILLE – 20 year old UofL student, Andrew Hall, was given a record player for his birthday last month from his father.  Hall immediately purchased a hand full of records from Half Price Books and described all of them to friends over the last few weeks as haunting.

“I finally got to listen to Bob Dylan’s “Blonde On Blonde” on wax,” said Hall.  “It’s truly a haunting record with tones of despair and piercing romance that washes over you.  I highly recommend it.”

Hall’s friends claim he started reading Pitchfork and AV Club recently and he’s becoming super annoying.

“Andrew’s already saying he ‘hates Pitchfork’,” said Hall’s friend Derick.  “He was partying with us at Mellow Mushroom just two months ago, now he won’t step foot in a place that doesn’t have analog music.  He actually told me he doesn’t like songs with choruses in them anymore the other night.  It’s all really dumb and I hate that I’m putting up with this shit.”

On Christmas morning, Hall was reportedly flooding Facebook and Instagram pleading with people to listen to Sufjan Steven’s Christmas record and asking friends to consider listening to FLAC instead of regular 128k music on Spotify.

“It’s actually kind of hilarious listening to Neil Young’s Harvest on devices like Spotify, I find myself cracking up when my friends put that stuff on,” said Hall.  “Yeah why don’t you watch Star Wars for the first time on your iPod nano too while you’re at it.  Which is actually a pretty haunting movie if you ever get a chance to see it.”

When asked what his favorite song is currently, Hall said he feels a bit like James Murphy from LCD Soundsystem in the song “Losing My Edge”, and that it encomposses his favorite track at the moment as well as his attitude towards music.

“Everyone can find special stuff now on the internet,” said Hall.  “It’s kind of depressing that no one thumbs through dusty albums at store next door to Moe’s Southwest Grill and Supercuts like I do anymore.”

At press time Hall was about to post a review of Neutral Milk Hotel’s album “In The Aeroplane Over The Sea”, describing it as “devastating”.

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MAYOR FISCHER SAYS MINIMUM WAGE INCREASE WILL ONLY HELP PEOPLE WHO NEED IT

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LOUISVILLE – Mayor Fischer held a press conference yesterday, officially commenting on the minimum wage debate after remaining silent on the issue for months.  Fischer did not mince words, addressing fifteen or so reporters, all on minimum wage themselves.

“Bottom line here guys, this bill is only going to help out the people that need it most,” said Fischer.  “I’m sorry to be the ‘bad guy’ here, but we can’t be a city that just runs around willy nilly doing the right thing.”

Fischer said he does indeed support the minimum wage increase, but that it should be at a state and federal level to help people that need it most.

“Look, if we’re going to help the people that live in this city even marginally, we need to do it at a state or federal level first,” said Fischer.  “The thing about poor people is, they don’t eat at John Varanese’s restaurant and until I see proof that they do, I’m going to veto this bill.”

John Varanese, owner of Varanese on Frankfort, says he applauds the Mayor and hopes people will start coming back to his restaurant after what he said in an article on WFPL on Monday.

“It’s weird, I’m a huge fan of guys like Donald Trump, Duck Dynasty and the bald guy from Shark Tank,” said Varanese.  “And now we got this new hippy mayor, and we agree on something?  I’m so pumped the mayor is siding with guys like me, and that he sees how much this small, gradual increases in wage could help out those that need it most.  God bless this country.”

At press time Norton Common’s residents were standing outside the mayor’s office demanding he tell them what minimum wage means.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
December 2014

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TODAY IS KICKSTARTER AWARENESS DAY – WE WILL SHARE A LOCAL KICKSTARTER!

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Today is Kickstarter awareness day so we will be picking a local project to share.  Please send in any Kickstarters you know of and we will pick one to share that we think is most deserving.  You can send to germantowntimes@gmail.com.  Thanks

xoxo

-Sandy & Frank

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GERMANTOWN GIRL PRETTY IMPRESSED WITH HERSELF FOR LIKING NEUTRAL MILK HOTEL

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Marriott and friends hanging out at last years potato face meetup

GERMANTOWN – 36 year old resident of Germantown, Jill Marriott, is pretty impressed with herself for not only wanting to attend the upcoming Neutral Milk Hotel concert at the Brown Hotel next spring, but for just knowing who the band is.  Last year Marriot missed the bands show in Cincinnati and claims she’s talked more on Facebook about missing the show, than her friends that actually made it to the show.

“I’ve been listening to the band since the airplane song came out,” said Marriott.  “I own all of that album and consider myself a Milk Head or Potato Face.”

Neutral Milk Hotel has a large group of followers referred to as “Milk Heads” and “Potato Face’s” that follow the band around the country (mostly on Instagram).  Marriott said Milk Heads usually gather at art shows and talk about the airplane in the notches of your spine song.

“I made a Neutral Milk Hotel playlist last winter when I was really down, and it became the most shared playlist on the Milk Heads message board,” said Marriott.  “It was actually just that airplane song 42 times, but I threw the song about carrot top at the very end.  Everyone appreciated it.”

Social media lit up yesterday after the announcement of the bands upcoming concert, Marriott said she was surprised anyone else even knew about the band.

“It’s weird to see a band you’ve been following for 3 years blow up, but that’s show biz right,” said Marriott.  “Kudos to them though, I mean their music truly inspired an entire generation for a few months when they were in art school.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
December 2014

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OLD EAST END WOMAN ASKS TO SMELL HUSBANDS DICK AFTER HE RETURNS FROM A NIGHT OUT AT THE NACHBAR

C4T4CK Old man and his wife going through documents , worried about savings LAKE FOREST – Last night 74 year old Lake Forest resident, Rick Schneider, returned home around eight o’clock from having a few drinks at The Nachbar.  Schneider’s wife, Judy, had reportedly been pacing the 12,000 square foot home, holding her cordless telephone over the four hours Rick had been gone.  When Rick finally pulled up in the driveway, neighbors say Judy stormed out of the front door in her bathrobe demanding to smell her husbands dick.

“I’ve read all about what these men are doing up at the Nachbar,” said Judy.  “I’m his wife and I have every right to smell his dick if I have reasonable suspicion.”

Rick reportedly avoided his irate wife in the driveway telling her she’s not smelling his dick.

“Nothing happened at the Nachbar,” said Schneider.  “I just talked to a few girls about Amazon Prime and watched countless women try to take home Rusty the beef jerky guy.  If anyones wife should be smelling their husbands dick when they get home it’s that guys.”

The couple continued to argue into the night after eventually cooling down close to eleven o’clock.  Judy says her husband finally agreed to let her smell his dick if she would take him to Hammerheads this weekend, which she agreed.

“His dick just smelled like old man,” said Judy.  “I’m relieved, but still concerned anytime he goes out to those places without me.  I know the girls out there get all wet when they see a guy in his 70’s from the east end walk into a bar they’re hanging out at, I’m just afraid Rick’s going to give in eventually.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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