MIDDLETOWN – 37 year old Dominos assistant shift supervisor, Brent Garmin, spent most of the evening last night reading thousands of tweets and watching UStream videos from Ferguson. Without jumping to conclusions, Garmin hesitated to say anything at all on his social networks until he heard Russell Brands weigh in on the event. This morning Garmin woke up with a burden he could not ignore once again to bring his coworkers up to speed on the news tonight.
“These are just kids I work with, you understand, kids,” said Garmin. “I’m only 37, but I’m their elder. I feel I have a firm grasp on the hundreds of years of racism in this country, the sensitivity of the police civilian relationship in Ferguson and the Walgreen’s that was set on fire last night.”
Garmin says he usually would talk about the Big Bang Theory with his coworkers, but it’s time for the adults to show up and wreck the party for a bit.
“These kids don’t know anything at all,” said Garmin. “I’m not sure if they’ve ever listened to anything Russell Brand has said in their entire lives, and that’s concerning.”
Some of Garmin’s coworkers say he’s the smartest guy they know and some said they would sleep with him if he wasn’t so gross.
“One time Brent came into work and asked everyone to take their favorite pizza topping and place it on a pizza,” said one of Garmin’s coworkers, Amanda. “After we all had placed the different toppings on the pizza, he stepped back and said, what you’re looking at is the second world war and that lonely pineapple in the corner is Abraham Lincoln. I wish he was attractive and didn’t wear his Tinseltown shirt when he came in on his off days, he would get so much shell.”
At press time Garmin was asking everyone at work to watch him eat an entire pizza and think about how this resembles what happened in Ferguson last night.