HEINE BROTHERS BARISTA ENJOYS TELLING FRIENDS SHE WANTS TO MOVE PLACES

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HIGHLANDS – Coming back from a recent weekend of visiting friends in Brooklyn, 23 year old Heine Brother barista Julie Duggins is already scouring Craigslist apartments in New York and asking people on Facebook if they know of any places next to the L or R train hiring.  This time last year Duggins had visited friends in Omaha proclaiming she finally found a city that knows how to pour a beer even going as far as setting up several interviews which she never showed up for.

“I love just jumping on the L anytime I feel like it and riding it all the way till the tracks stop,” said Duggins.  “The vegan community’s pretty dope too, I’m not vegan but I could be.  I feel like its time for me to leave this shitty town.”

Duggins says she plans to run her plans by coworkers and friends for the next couple of weeks, maybe even carrying it through the rest of winter until Derby.

“I just want to move somewhere where people don’t know my bullshit,” said Duggins.  “It’s fun to start all over and convince people I’m someone new.”

Telling people about her desire for change has been a passion of Duggins since as far back as she can remember.

“Truth be told, I’m not goin anywhere,” said Duggins.  “If you wanna get really real, my shrink told me when I was a teenager I like to excite others around me, including myself, of drastic change that gives my life texture and mystery even if its pure fantasy.  It’s pretty neat.”

Some of Duggins friends say she does this to them at least once a year.

“She said she was moving to Portland a couple years ago after she discovered Modest Mouse,” said Duggins friend Amanda.  “It’s so annoying, she thinks we all forget when Derby rolls around.”

At press time Duggins changed her mind and is now planning on moving to Old Louisville for now until she can save money to move to Austin or Kauai.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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6 thoughts on “HEINE BROTHERS BARISTA ENJOYS TELLING FRIENDS SHE WANTS TO MOVE PLACES

  1. Ted Laun says:

    Okay, here was go again, a random feature article on some random privileged young woman? On the say after the Ferguson announcement? Get with the program folks. Does the young woman live in Germantown if so you might want to mention it in the article.

    Like

  2. mic says:

    Who cares? This is the least interesting story ever. Way to go, white girl?

    Like

  3. buttz says:

    Its satire you idiots!

    Like

  4. Kate says:

    this is a satire.

    Like

  5. Joe says:

    Laughing at the above idiots offended by a joke article.

    Like

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