Monthly Archives: November 2014

BREAKING : NORTON COMMONS™ BABY’S FIRST WORD IS LAWYERUP

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NORTON COMMONS – Jessica White was the first baby born in the Norton Commons™ hospital almost exactly a year ago today.  Her parents, Joseph and Margaret White, wanted to wait to have their first child until they had good paying jobs and lived in the city.  The timing was perfect yesterday as baby Jessica’s house was full of Whites when she shouted her first word during Thanksgiving dinner.

“My wife and I were actually punishing baby Jessica for throwing food at her Grandpa,” said White.  “We told her we were putting her in time out when she shouted ‘Lawyerup!’.  It was incredibly powerful.

There were mixed reactions around the dinner table as Joseph ran up stairs to pull the video from the drone that was hovering over the food taking video.

“I mean it’s a good word, but I don’t know if she used it correctly,” said Margaret’s sister.  “She looked angry and held the fork up at her Dad’s face when she said it, but I couldn’t tell if she was actually telling him to lawyer up.  I mean, I don’t think she has any lawyers to defend her at such a young age, and I don’t think she really has a case to be honest.”

Margaret and Joseph said they’ve said the words around baby Jessica about as many times as any other parent and they’re surprised thats the one she actually held onto.

“Kids are so strange and you never know what they’re going to pick up around you,” said Joseph.  “I honestly thought her first word would be a little more urban, giving the environment we’re raising her in but hey life’s weird like that.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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MIDDLETOWN DOMINOS ASSISTANT SHIFT SUPERVISOR TO EXPLAIN THE COMPLEXITY OF FERGUSON IN 3 HOUR SHIFT TONIGHT WITH COWORKERS

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MIDDLETOWN – 37 year old Dominos assistant shift supervisor, Brent Garmin, spent most of the evening last night reading thousands of tweets and watching UStream videos from Ferguson.  Without jumping to conclusions, Garmin hesitated to say anything at all on his social networks until he heard Russell Brands weigh in on the event.  This morning Garmin woke up with a burden he could not ignore once again to bring his coworkers up to speed on the news tonight.

“These are just kids I work with, you understand, kids,” said Garmin.  “I’m only 37, but I’m their elder.  I feel I have a firm grasp on the hundreds of years of racism in this country, the sensitivity of the police civilian relationship in Ferguson and the Walgreen’s that was set on fire last night.”

Garmin says he usually would talk about the Big Bang Theory with his coworkers, but it’s time for the adults to show up and wreck the party for a bit.

“These kids don’t know anything at all,” said Garmin.  “I’m not sure if they’ve ever listened to anything Russell Brand has said in their entire lives, and that’s concerning.”

Some of Garmin’s coworkers say he’s the smartest guy they know and some said they would sleep with him if he wasn’t so gross.

“One time Brent came into work and asked everyone to take their favorite pizza topping and place it on a pizza,” said one of Garmin’s coworkers, Amanda.  “After we all had placed the different toppings on the pizza, he stepped back and said, what you’re looking at is the second world war and that lonely pineapple in the corner is Abraham Lincoln.  I wish he was attractive and didn’t wear his Tinseltown shirt when he came in on his off days, he would get so much shell.”

At press time Garmin was asking everyone at work to watch him eat an entire pizza and think about how this resembles what happened in Ferguson last night.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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HEINE BROTHERS BARISTA ENJOYS TELLING FRIENDS SHE WANTS TO MOVE PLACES

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HIGHLANDS – Coming back from a recent weekend of visiting friends in Brooklyn, 23 year old Heine Brother barista Julie Duggins is already scouring Craigslist apartments in New York and asking people on Facebook if they know of any places next to the L or R train hiring.  This time last year Duggins had visited friends in Omaha proclaiming she finally found a city that knows how to pour a beer even going as far as setting up several interviews which she never showed up for.

“I love just jumping on the L anytime I feel like it and riding it all the way till the tracks stop,” said Duggins.  “The vegan community’s pretty dope too, I’m not vegan but I could be.  I feel like its time for me to leave this shitty town.”

Duggins says she plans to run her plans by coworkers and friends for the next couple of weeks, maybe even carrying it through the rest of winter until Derby.

“I just want to move somewhere where people don’t know my bullshit,” said Duggins.  “It’s fun to start all over and convince people I’m someone new.”

Telling people about her desire for change has been a passion of Duggins since as far back as she can remember.

“Truth be told, I’m not goin anywhere,” said Duggins.  “If you wanna get really real, my shrink told me when I was a teenager I like to excite others around me, including myself, of drastic change that gives my life texture and mystery even if its pure fantasy.  It’s pretty neat.”

Some of Duggins friends say she does this to them at least once a year.

“She said she was moving to Portland a couple years ago after she discovered Modest Mouse,” said Duggins friend Amanda.  “It’s so annoying, she thinks we all forget when Derby rolls around.”

At press time Duggins changed her mind and is now planning on moving to Old Louisville for now until she can save money to move to Austin or Kauai.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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GERMANTOWN GIRL TO SPEND RELAXING WEEKEND CONVINCING FRIENDS SHES RELAXING ON INSTAGRAM


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GERMANTOWN – With everything that’s been going on in 28 year old Germantown resident Becca Kennedy’s life recently, she’s going to finally relax this weekend.  With temperatures down in the 30′s, and Netflix running strong she’s promising to really unwind and just document every moment on Instagram for her friends over the next 48 hours.

“I want my friends to know I’m doing good,” said Kennedy.  “I want them to know I’m relaxing and loving it.”

Kennedy plans on drinking wine and taking selfies of her lounging around the house, doing relaxing things.

“I’m gonna take a bath while listening to In The Aeroplane Over The Sea by Neutral Milk Hotel on repeat,” said Kennedy.  “I’ll probably read a book and put up quotes I find refreshing and soothing. The whole weekend will be a lot of work for me to set up all these shots and I’ll probably check my phone obsessively, but it’s gonna be calming or at least appear that way I hope.”

The last time Kennedy had a weekend like this was just last weekend, but she assured us this weekend will truly be calming and laid back.

“I’m just gonna set aside my time off for me and me only,” said Kennedy.  “And for the whole world to observe, comment and understand what I’m up to.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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ANCHORAGE RESIDENTS VOTE TO HAVE ROADS REMOVED IN EAST END TO BE REPLACED WITH HELICOPTER & JET PACK LANDING PADS

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ANCHORAGE – The City of Anchorage has filed suit against surrounding east end neighborhoods over shared usage of roadways. One side says it will create less traffic; The other, that it’s protecting tax payers money. Now a judge will have to decide who is legally in the wrong.

“It’s a bipartisan issue and our children suffer when we can’t get a Pizza from Papa Johns due to traffic,” said Anchorage resident Claire White.  “It’s 2014, everyone has cell phones, televisions and access to helicopters.  Now I’m not out of touch or anything, I realize not everyone has a jetpack, but these landing pads will be multi purpose so we can fit everyone’s needs.”

Some Lyndon residents I spoke with say they don’t know anyone personally with either a helicopter or a jetpack and this bill will only benefit the people of Anchorage.

“How am I supposed to get to work or my kids to school,” said Lyndon resident Gale Chase.  “This is just ridiculous, I’ve got no plans at all of getting a helicopter.”

At a local town hall meeting in Anchorage last night, locals from all across the east end were invited to show up and discuss their concerns.  The town hall in Anchorage is only accessible by helicopter.

“See this is what we all knew would happen, people in Lyndon are so lazy,” said White. “I knew none of them would show up, this is what’s wrong with the country.”

Some neighbors from Middletown’s subdivision Lake Forest showed up to show support for the new bill, and even some neighbors from the north in Norton Commons.

“This is just great,” said Norton Commons resident Stew Peachskin. “We’ve been pushing to get rid of roads for a while, I hate em.  We also need to turn Bellwood into a golf course, but that’s an issue for another day.”

Anchorage mayor, Papa John says there are plans of putting in 160 helicopter/jetpack landing pads across the east end initially, but he understands these things take time and most people are just now getting into flying.

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HIGHLANDS SPEEDWAY CASHIER WAITS PATIENTLY TO UNLOAD WHEN CUSTOMER ASKS HOW HIS DAYS BEEN

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HIGHLANDS – Following a disastrous weekend, 29 year old Speedway cashier Chris Barman is ready to talk about it with his customers.  Barman’s ex-girlfriend attended the grand opening of a new Moe’s Southwest Grill he had been talking about for months, and she even brought her new boyfriend with her.  After leaving the opening Barman says his night got even worst. His phone had died while texting back and forth with his ex while his 1987 Toyota Camry’s axel’s finally gave out leaving him stranded on Taylorsville Rd. His mother had to come pick him up.

“I’m goin off first customer to ask,” said Barman.  “Even if someone asks if I’m staying out of trouble, that’ll be enough.  The whole things gonna take up at least 6 minutes of their time.”

On top of the horrible weekend Barman had, he’s got a lot of other things going on.

“My sisters such a bitch,” said Barman.  “My mom’s a bitch and my dad’s a dick.  On my 28th birthday I was supposed to meet my dad for Blue Moons at BW3’s, he showed up like two hours late and said he could do one Blue Moon but had to go back to work.  I swear he’s always doing shit like that.”

Barman claims he hasn’t had internet in over two months at his apartment, and his cat won’t stop going to the bathroom on his bed. All of which he says will be included in the package for the first customer to ask how he’s doing.

“I’ve worked other jobs, but you can’t corner people the way you can at Speedway,” said Barman.  “There’s a good flow of traffic at the gas station, you’d be surprised how many people are crippled with politeness.  They’ll listen to me until I’m done, it’s really neat.”

At press time Barman was stocking straws at the fountain drinks station explaining to a young woman what Reddit is.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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BREAKING : PAPPY VAN WINKLE DELIVERY TRUCK ACCIDENTALLY DELIVERED ENTIRE STASH TO SUBWAY RESTAURANTS ALL OVER KENTUCKY

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KENTUCKY – While details are currently slim, it is being reported that a Pappy Van Winkle delivery driver has accidentally delivered their entire stash to Subways all over Kentucky.  Subway franchise owners are saying it’s not their fault they have the Pappy now and they don’t have to legally give it back.  Lines have been forming at several Subways in Louisville this morning and there are reports of Subways in Lexington giving their deliveries to Jimmy Johns, one of Lexington’s staple restaurants.  We will be following this story all day, check back for updates. – Frank

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UPDATE : A Subway customer has reported on our Facebook page that he was able to get a “nip” with a Cold Cut Combo™.  We’re not sure if some Subways are serving shots or other small serve options at this time.  Another commenter noted after Jimmy Johns in Lexington took control of the local Subways Pappy’s, they have been offering free smells of the hard to find bourbon.  If anyone has any other information please let us know.  Sandy was able to get a bottle from the Goss Subway and says she filled up her cup with a mixture of mountain dew, pepsi, dr. pepper and added a splash of pappy on top.  I haven’t tried it yet but she says its really good. – Frank

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PARTRIDGE MEADOWS MAN NOT COMFORTABLE ENOUGH AROUND NEW GIRLFRIEND TO STOP USING EXCLAMATION POINTS IN TEXT MESSAGES

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LYNDON – Just before heading to bed, 33 year old Partridge Meadows resident, Neal Robinson sends a text to say goodnight to a new girl he’s been seeing.  Robinson has been seeing 28 year old Partridge Meadows resident for almost two months, but says he struggles speaking with her through text messages without using exclamation points.

“We’re just not to that level yet,” said Robinson.  “I’m hoping by Derby next year, I can just end a sentence with a period, but  only if its consentual.”

Robinson isn’t alone though, his new girlfriend Patricia Ives has been reciprocating the exclamation marks as well ever since the two started seeing each other in September.  She says she doesn’t want Robinson to think she’s upset at him.

“I’m so afraid he will read into one of my texts in the wrong way so I just follow up everything with as many exclamation points as I can,” said Ives.  “I don’t know how to stop.”

The two have yet to confess to each other their feelings on the punctuation, but Robinson says he plans to start easing into it this weekend.

“I’m planning on sending a text this weekend ending a the sentence with a smiley face,” said Robinson.  “Then may casually work in an ellipsis or something.  Just slide it in as a surprise and see if she likes it.  She may slap me or heck, maybe it’s something she’s way into.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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GERMANTOWN MAN HAS NO IDEA WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN THAT VOTING BOOTH BUT VERY PROUD

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GERMANTOWN – After finishing a bowl of cereal and feeding his cat, 33 year old Germantown man Christopher Bowman headed over to Danny Mac’s to vote.  Today is Bowman’s sixth time voting in his life, and he says every year feels a little bit better.  He doesn’t own a television and says he doesn’t really follow politics all that much, but says voting is very important to him.

“Christopher Columbus left us all something when he came over on that sail boat,” said Bowman.  “I have absolutely no clue who or what I just voted for in there.  But it feels good you know?”

Bowman headed to work texting friends and putting up reminders on Facebook for everyone he knows to go out and vote, but admits voting isn’t easy.

“The first question was between three names,” said Bowman.  “I designed an algorithm that basically breaks down my answers to match the names of the candidates to people I know in real life, or I’m a big fan of.  So for example, the first question I picked this guy Mitch cause I’m a huge Mitch Hedberg fan.  After that I voted for this King person cause I knew this guy in highscool named Ben King that drove a Honda Civic with a V-tech.  He pulled tons of shell.”

Though Bowman’s algorithm worked for most questions, he still found himself confused.

“It was only 20 minutes ago, but it feels like a total blur I have no idea what I just did,” recalled Bowman.  “But man it still feels really good, I’m super proud of everything I accomplished today.  I just hope this ‘I voted’ sticker gets me some shell from an intern at work or something.

At press time Bowman was desperately searching for his ‘I voted’ sticker that must have fallen off in the hallway, saying this was all a big waste of his time if he doesn’t find the sticker.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
November 2014

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