SOJOURN ANNOUNCES THEIR HETEROSEXUAL ONLY MEMBERSHIP IS 25% OFF THIS WEEKEND

BRITAIN-RELIGION-ATHEISM-OFFBEAT

GERMANTOWN – Head pastor, Taylor Parrish, had been under heavy stress over the last couple of months after his entire congregation, including himself, came out of the closet.   The news was not well received at other christian churches in Louisville, even Sojourners from different branches called the act “a disgusting joke”.  Several churches began praying when they heard the news, and members from Southeast reportedly built a 300 foot cross out of chicken sandwiches from Chik-Fil-A, that’s been sitting on the church roof for months in protest. Parrish says the praying and chicken crosses have not been in vain, as himself and the rest of his members are all back in the closet.

“It’s taken some time, but we’re all back in the closet and it feels great,” said Parrish.  “The first month of being out was really intense.  We had all night lock-ins, sometimes for a week straight, where we drank a lot of craft beer and got to know each other better.”

Parrish says sometime last month, the prayers started to kick in.

“I woke up one morning and there was an email from my dad saying he never wanted to see me again,” said Parrish.  “And he said they wouldn’t be helping us out financially anymore either.  That night I felt the lord change my heart.  I had a dream Jesus and I were walking through my church, talking about the lock-ins and craft beer communions we’ve been having during prayer.  He told me he loved me just the way I am, but that what I was doing was gross.  I tried to hold his hand, but Jesus kept pulling it away saying he would only hold my hand if I got back in.  I took a deep breath, and he led me right back into the closet.  It was probably the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt spiritually.”

Parrish was inspired from the dream and held a prayer meeting after one final all night lock-in with his members.

“I told them we’ve all gotta come back in the closet and that the door has to stay closed this time,” said Parrish.  “There was some sobbing at first, but after a while everyone came around.  One member told me his father had been sending Chik-Fil-A sandwiches in the mail every week since he came out, and many others had similar stories.  I’m proud to announce everyone in my church is collectively straight and in the closet again.”

Along with this announcement Sojourn is offering a 25% discount, to heterosexual people only, that would like to become members of the church.

“Like we said in that article a few years back in the LEO, all people are welcome in this church.  Whether you’re brown, pink, blue, orange, straight or gay, you’re welcome to worship with us,” said Parrish.  “But if you wanna take advantage of the 25% discount membership this weekend, there’s plenty more room in this closet.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

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3 thoughts on “SOJOURN ANNOUNCES THEIR HETEROSEXUAL ONLY MEMBERSHIP IS 25% OFF THIS WEEKEND

  1. Steve Davis says:

    This is like something that would happen on Northern Exposure.

    Like

  2. Alan Miller says:

    My reply to the “Christian” butthurt at http://psalm465.weebly.com/god-is-within…/the-angry-feels :

    So if someone is intolerant of your intolerance they’re the ones that are wrong? If you weren’t intolerant, homophobic bigots this wouldn’t be an issue. To try to turn it around to where the people who don’t wish to tolerate your hate are the haters is disingenuous and hypocritical. You preach against homosexuality, that makes it about your homophobia and we civilized folk have every right in the world to make vicious fun of you way more than we do.

    Like

  3. tkdcoach says:

    I also left a response. I’m gay and Christian. Sojourn is just wrong about everything and it’s not mocking God to mock them as they assert. Perhaps you wouldn’t stop at that, who’s to say, but I’ve read both satires and they are both brilliant and on the nose so far as I am concerned. // Jim Gardner

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