Monthly Archives: October 2014

RAMSI’S MENU LANDS 6 SEASON DEAL WITH HBO

hbo

HIGHLANDS – Ramsi’s restaurant took to Facebook yesterday announcing their menu landed a 6 season series with HBO.  The menu has been around for a while and Owner, Jeff Ramsi, says it still doesn’t have an ending but they’re close.  The 368 page menu currently on display at the popular Highlands restaurant is set to be the first season, but Ramsi says there will be some necessary changes in certain plot points in the menu to adapt it to the big screen.

“It’s Hollywood baby, these things happen,” said Ramsi.  “Wait till you see how many other items we added to the menu exclusively for HBO, our fans are gonna love it.

Ramsi’s is notoriously a favorite restaurant in Louisville with people that either just moved here, or people that self identify as “foodies”.  Ramsi says somewhere in season 4 the menu will change to a different world of cuisine (think Klingon), consisting of mostly pudding bowl entrees much like Robocop ate, but with exotic spices.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

Tagged , ,

FERN CREEK GUY THAT’S BEEN WARNING EVERYONE ON FACEBOOK OF AN EBOLA OUTBREAK CONCERNED AN OUTBREAK MAY NOT HAPPEN

10455860_10152315770719685_3303389919997960156_n

FERN CREEK – The room is quiet at 36 year old, Jeff Rollins house in Fern Creek as he sips a warm mug of coffee scrolling through this morning’s news on his laptop.  His wife leans in and kisses him on the forehead, telling him he’ll get them next time on her way out the door. This time just 48 hours ago, Rollins had a very different energy about himself.  He was skimming hundreds of articles from blogs, simultaneously retweeting, reposting and forwarding articles to every person in his address book.  Rollins had never been so sure of anything in his life.  One of his biggest role models, Rand Paul, had even come out in  Rollin’s support, saying you could get ebola from just being 3 feet from someone.  Rollins says he has no one to blame but himself, and the hundreds of Willy Wonka memes he’d been sharing over the last couple of weeks.

“It doesn’t make any sense”, said Rollins.  “This was my moment.  I was gonna be the guy from Tremors or Independence Day.  The guy with the contrary brain, telling everyone to wake up.  That was supposed to be me.”

The television plays in the background as Rollins patiently scrolls through Facebook, reading articles of people surviving ebola in the US, and not getting infected after sharing a room with a person that has the virus.

“How could there not be an outbreak and how could Dr. Paul, an ophthalmologist, get this wrong,” said Rollins.  “I had even planned to be humble about the outbreak and not rub it in everyone’s faces.  I was actually gonna tell my brother in law, who’s been making fun of me for the last week, that he can have my extra hazmat suit. This is quite possibly the worst day of my life.”

The CDC claims we’re not in the clear completely, but we’re learning a lot about the virus and how it travels.

“It’s just so disappointing that the CDC isn’t actually putting infected people on planes to spread the virus,” said Rollins.  “I mean, all that stuff about the ebola vaccine coming out just in time, and all the money corporations are gonna make off healing the sick.  It was just so perfect, felt like a badass movie.  But now it just seems like there were some human errors and the people in charge are doing the best they can right now.  Which is hard to hear.”

At press time Rollins was involved in a 78 comment thread on Facebook saying it was his prayers and Willy Wonka memes that stopped the virus from spreading.

Tagged , ,

ALISON LUNDERGAN GRIMES REFUSES TO ANSWER WHETHER SHE WANTS PAPER OR PLASTIC AT VALUMARKET IN MID CITY MALL

141009-grimes_kentucky-1755_4338bbfafa4a803e5df3ec4100da40d8 copy

HIGHLANDS – At a recent trip to the Mid City Mall ValuMarket, congressional candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes repeatedly refused to answer whether she wanted paper or plastic grocery bags.

Cashier Kara Stevens finished scanning Grimes’s groceries, which consisted mainly of $5 coconut waters and pre-cooked bacon, and asked if she would prefer they be placed in paper bags or smaller plastic bags. Both are made from recyclable materials and include the ValuMarket logo.

“She wouldn’t tell me which bag she wanted. I asked her four, five times, and she just kept saying it’s none of my business,” said Stevens.  ” She said ‘This isn’t about bags, it’s about my groceries’ or something. She was kind of the worst.”

Fellow shopper Adelaide Smith, who witnessed the incident, suspected that Grimes did not answer the question for fear of alienating other customers.

“I prefer plastic, myself,” said Smith.  “But other customers nearby were requesting paper. I bet she just didn’t want to offend anyone. ”

Billy Markham, who stocks produce at the store, thought the refusal to answer was “cowardly. She needs to be honest with the people bagging her groceries.”

Markham’s friend Jason Kimball, who works in the deli, agreed. “We deserve to know. If she won’t tell us we’ll all just have to assume she will bankrupt this state.”

Eventually, Stevens called over the store manager, Ricky Adams. “I asked what the problem was, and Grimes insisted that her preference for paper or plastic was private, and we needed to respect that.” Adams offered to help her carry her groceries to the car without a bag, and Grimes asked if he would have asked a man the same question. “I told her I helped an elderly man carry 2 gallons of milk to his car 20 minutes ago, but she had stopped listening to me at that point.  She was asking another cashier if we had any Clinton bags or something.”

According to Adams, Grimes tried to pay in bitcoins after refusing to pay with cash or credit, but eventually paid in quarters and stuffed the groceries inside her large purse before leaving the store.

Sandy Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

Tagged , , ,

FRANK & SANDY ARE RUNNING FOR 2014 GNADINGER PARK COUNSEL BOARD

franksandy

As some of you may know, Sandy and I are running for 2014 Gnadinger Park Counsel Board.  We promise the people of Germantown we will push hard to change the hours of Gnadinger Park to open an hour later.  You can buy a shirt to show your support below.  These are pre-orders!  All orders must be placed by Sunday, October 19th and we will begin shipping the week of the 27th.

-Frank

http://germantowntimes.bigcartel.com/

MAN ADORABLY SHOPS FOR DVDS AT ST. MATTHEW’S TARGET

dvd

ST. MATTHEW’S – Roaming the DVD and CD section at his local Target, St. Matthews resident, Ted Combs, adorably stacks several DVD’s against his hoodie sweater as he continues to browse movie titles.  The middle aged man casually walked from the horror section over to the action titles, picking up several movies completely ignoring the affordable online options he has in the world.

“Some of these horror movies are two for $20,” said Combs.  “It’s an exciting time to be alive.”

After browsing the DVD section, Combs adorably drifted over to the Rock & Roll compact disc section of the store.

“I just heard a Dylan song I’d never heard before while at Kroger the other night,” Combs said while looking over a compact disc in his hand.  “I think this is it.  Hopefully the rest of the album is good so I’m not wasting my money buying the entire album. But I can’t sit around waiting for it to come on the radio all day.”

At press time Combs was seen breaking a dollar bill with a cashier to make a phone call on the stores pay phone.

Tagged ,

CLIFTON MAN WITH NEW MAKLEMORE HAIRCUT TO JOIN GROUP OF FRIENDS TONIGHT AT HILLTOP TAVERN LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED

Hipster_Hairstyles_33

CLIFTON – Clifton resident, Cody Weiss, recently had his hair cut like “Macklemore’s” at Derby City Chop Shop this week.  The 28 old plans on showing up to Hilltop Tavern tonight to meet some friends like nothing happened.

“I’m just gonna roll up on the table,” said Weiss.  “I’ll probably call someone on my phone right before I walk in so I can be in the middle of a conversation when they see the new cut.”

Weiss says this isn’t the first time he’s unloaded something new he’s trying out overnight on friends.

“Last year I just showed up with a fedora on,” said Weiss.  “I always wanted to be a hat guy, but it’s hard to transition into that.  I decided to show up to a friend of ours funeral with it on so people wouldn’t be in the mood to question it or make fun of me.  It actually worked out pretty well.”

Weiss plans on really gelling it up and says he may have a few other distractions ready incase the phone call falls through.

“My rent just got raised, so I’m thinking I may get off the phone and immediately start complaining about how my landlords a dick and let everyone know money’s really tight right now,” said Weiss.  “If I can make it uncomfortable quickly, they’ll probably just let me have this new haircut without giving me any shit.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

Tagged

SOJOURN ANNOUNCES THEIR HETEROSEXUAL ONLY MEMBERSHIP IS 25% OFF THIS WEEKEND

BRITAIN-RELIGION-ATHEISM-OFFBEAT

GERMANTOWN – Head pastor, Taylor Parrish, had been under heavy stress over the last couple of months after his entire congregation, including himself, came out of the closet.   The news was not well received at other christian churches in Louisville, even Sojourners from different branches called the act “a disgusting joke”.  Several churches began praying when they heard the news, and members from Southeast reportedly built a 300 foot cross out of chicken sandwiches from Chik-Fil-A, that’s been sitting on the church roof for months in protest. Parrish says the praying and chicken crosses have not been in vain, as himself and the rest of his members are all back in the closet.

“It’s taken some time, but we’re all back in the closet and it feels great,” said Parrish.  “The first month of being out was really intense.  We had all night lock-ins, sometimes for a week straight, where we drank a lot of craft beer and got to know each other better.”

Parrish says sometime last month, the prayers started to kick in.

“I woke up one morning and there was an email from my dad saying he never wanted to see me again,” said Parrish.  “And he said they wouldn’t be helping us out financially anymore either.  That night I felt the lord change my heart.  I had a dream Jesus and I were walking through my church, talking about the lock-ins and craft beer communions we’ve been having during prayer.  He told me he loved me just the way I am, but that what I was doing was gross.  I tried to hold his hand, but Jesus kept pulling it away saying he would only hold my hand if I got back in.  I took a deep breath, and he led me right back into the closet.  It was probably the most powerful thing I’ve ever felt spiritually.”

Parrish was inspired from the dream and held a prayer meeting after one final all night lock-in with his members.

“I told them we’ve all gotta come back in the closet and that the door has to stay closed this time,” said Parrish.  “There was some sobbing at first, but after a while everyone came around.  One member told me his father had been sending Chik-Fil-A sandwiches in the mail every week since he came out, and many others had similar stories.  I’m proud to announce everyone in my church is collectively straight and in the closet again.”

Along with this announcement Sojourn is offering a 25% discount, to heterosexual people only, that would like to become members of the church.

“Like we said in that article a few years back in the LEO, all people are welcome in this church.  Whether you’re brown, pink, blue, orange, straight or gay, you’re welcome to worship with us,” said Parrish.  “But if you wanna take advantage of the 25% discount membership this weekend, there’s plenty more room in this closet.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2014

Tagged , ,