HIGHLANDS – Mark Ferrell was in panic mode yesterday as he realized he was short almost $50 for his portion of rent coming up.  He had already cashed in a jar of change with Coinstar last month, and sold most everything of value on craigslist since moving out of his parents house this past spring.  Without any other options, Ferrell walked up to Books And Music Exchange to see what his soul was worth.

“I can’t move back in with my parents,” said Ferrell.  “If these guys offer me a good price for my soul, I’m gonna just take it.  Would be cool if I could have some money to get me through next month too.”

Ferrell approached the checkout counter once inside B&M Exchange, informing the worker he was interested in possibly selling his soul.  The worker barely glanced Ferrell over as he began typing in information on his computer screen, asking if this will be for cash or store credit.

“I almost had a lapse in judgement and went for store credit,” said Ferrell.  “But I just had to remind myself that rents more important than having a Dreamcast.”

After five minutes of getting some basic information, the worker offered Ferrell $1.16 for his soul.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Ferrell.  “I’m a high school graduate, I’ve had a couple of semi viral meme’s that were passed around Reddit last year.  There’s no way my soul’s only worth a dollar and sixteen cents.”

The worker explained that Ferrell was a popular soul back in the late 80’s, as most white kids were involved in some form of church and didn’t have a lot of access to porn.  But now a mid twenties, white kid that tweets Kevin Smith and has a poor diet is pretty much all he sees in his store these days.  Ferrell tried bartering with the worker, explaining his roommate was offered $200, but the worker made it clear he had too many similar souls in stock right now, and they’re having trouble moving them already.

Ferrell said the worker offered to give him an extra dollar on top of the original offer if he wanted store credit.  After a couple of minutes, Ferrell took the store credit after seeing Terminator 2 for Super Nintendo was an even trade for his soul.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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  1. Matt says:

    This might be the least satirical story written yet….


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