Monthly Archives: September 2014

NORTON COMMONS™ RESIDENTS ANNOUNCE THEY WILL PARTICIPATE IN RESURFACING TINSELTOWN PARKING LOT

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SPRINGHURST – Yesterday a spokesman for Norton Commons™ announced the urban village will join together in hopes of bringing beauty and restoration to the Tinseltown parking lot.  The organizers hope to create a pop-up plaza, cornhole board art and Blue Moon™ beer garden.  One of the event planners, Clarence White, says the 10,000 square foot parking lot can comfortably hold thousands of people from all over Louisville.

“We really hope people from all over Louisville can make it down to our community event,” said White.  “We want everyone down here.  People from St. Matthews, Lake Forest, some of Clifton area, people on the Gardiner lane side of Bardstown Rd., the NULU section of downtown, you know a place where most all are completely welcome.”

O’charley’s™ says they will be providing factory farm to table tasty finger foods, and Sonic™ will be serving a bacon tater tot milk shake with a shot of bourbon and fireball mixed inside (for those over 21 only).  The evening is planned to kick off at the end of October but organizers say it could be mid November.

“We’re really hoping this event will show everyone that we’re not “weird as you know what”,” said White.  “We’re just a bunch of normal people that like to have a good time and enjoy city life in the middle of farmland and shopping malls.

Another Norton Commons™ resident, Richard Peachskin, says all of the money raised at the event will go to help children in Louisville.

“We’re hoping to raise ten to twenty thousand dollars” said Peachskin.  “We’re going to pledge some dough to the elementary school in Norton Commons™,  and give a little green to the Cub Scouts of Norton Commons™, stuff like that.  We’re also going to put some money into helping the homeless.  We’re planning on paying real homeless people to walk around Norton Commons™ this Christmas with those little cute gloves on, you know the ones with the fingers half showing?  My wife and I have these perfect outfits picked out for them that we bought from a really chic store last time we were in New York.  Oh and, if the NC’s fire department allows it, we’re gonna try to put 3 or 4 homeless people standing around those little adorable burning barrels warming their hands.  Anyways, I’m gettin’ off track here, its gonna be a great event.

Norton Commons™ Lawyers say they encourage people to spread the word, but they will not tolerate any forms of stickers made to advertise for the event.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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OLD LOUISVILLE RESIDENT TO TRY AND GET FRIENDS TO TELL HER SHE’S HANNAH FROM ‘GIRLS’ AGAIN TONIGHT AT GARAGE BAR

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University of Louisville art therapy major Jessica Stigler, 23, looks forward to her weekly girls’ night to discuss her favorite TV series, Girls.

“Lena Dunham is a total trendsetter,” says Stigler.  “She’s really captured like, the voice of our generation. I don’t know, she just, like, gets being a girl.”

Stigler says she and her friends have been “obsessed” with the show since its inception.

“I think it’s like, pretty clear that I’m the ‘Hannah’ of the group,” said Stigler. “I’m definitely a little quirky and pretty OCD. I like being reminded of my Hannah traits.”

Stigler says that she enjoys writing poetry in her spare time and that the show’s creator, Lena Dunham, has inspired her to write a blog.

“It’s going to be about what I’ve learned as like, a woman in the art world,” said Stigler.  “Being a feminist is what the show is all about, and I enjoy creating situations where I can accuse men of being sexist.  It’s really empowering.”

Stigler’s friend Alexis Johnson, 22, says she’s tired of being called ‘Marnie.’

“We get it, she loves Girls, but I’m like, so sick of hearing about the show, personally. The characters are all really annoying and literally so selfish. Jessica is always saying that that’s the point of the show or whatever, but I like, don’t care. I’m so over it. Also, Marnie is literally the worst. Her eyebrows are super big and gross and I hate looking at her droopy, horse shaped face. Plus, she wore boot-cut jeans in this one episode. I have definitely not worn boot-cut jeans since middle school.”

Stigler’s other friends, Bethany and Leah, have similar opinions.

“I made the mistake of comparing Jessica to Hannah one night. Now, all she does is whine all day and talk about being a writer,” says friend, Bethany Sims, “I swear to God, Jessica Snap Chatted me a selfie with a glass of white wine the other night with the caption ‘Its a wednesday nite baby and I’m alive’.  I immediately unfollowed her on Instagram.”

Stiglers friend Leah, who is “literally, actually Shosh” according to Stigler, nodded in agreement before adding, “I stopped watching during, like, season two or something. When Hannah stuck that Q-Tip in her ear or whatever, I was like, ‘Bye.’ Season three ended, like, months ago, so she’s been re-watching, like, the entire series to see if she’s missed anything. So far I’m thinking the only thing she’s missed is that none of us, like, give a shit.”

Stigler’s friends are hoping that they can convince her to watch Biggest Loser or Game of Thrones by her second basil gimlet tonight.

Sandy Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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WOMAN LEAVES HEINE BROTHERS NEGATIVE YELP REVIEW AFTER FORGETTING TO ASK FOR SOY MILK

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SCHNITZELBURG – Annette Simpson, a 34 year-old stay-at-home mother to two, left a 2-star Yelp review for the Schnitzelburg Heine Brothers after a bad experience she had there last week.

“I  had an intense day of driving the kids to school and needed some coffee,” said Simpson. “I ordered an iced medium latté with an extra shot, two pumps of this nut syrup and one pump of some syrup that had a cute African woman on the front holding a basket. I was looking forward to sitting in my car and sipping while I pinned stuff on Pinterest.”

After trying the drink, Simpson noticed it didn’t taste right.

“I was tasting tons of peanut butter I think, and a this like, strawberry-watermelon-lavender aroma, but it’s like they forgot something. There wasn’t a lot of foam. There definitely could have been more foam, it was bizarre.”

It took Simpson the entire drive home to figure out what was wrong with her latté.

“I was sitting in my driveway when I noticed, I meant to ask for soy milk,” said Simpson. “I think it was made with cows or goats milk.”

Later, Simpson took to Yelp to vent her frustrations with the coffee shop while her daughters napped.

“I shared a picture of the latté in my Yelp review and made sure to comment on the terrible customer service,” said Simpson.  “It was literally the worst latté I’ve ever had. I gave it two stars, but only because they have a drive-thru.”

Simpson clarified later that she usually makes her husband pick up a coffee that ‘tastes like ice cream’ on his way home from work.

“This all just ties into the whole Heine going corporate thing that people are saying around town,” said Simpson.  “It’s really kind of pathetic.”

At press time, Simpson’s Yelp review had been shared by several of her friends, all committing to not visiting Heine Brothers in the future.

Sandy Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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GERMANTOWN TIMES IS LOOKING FOR CONTRIBUTING WRITERS

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We are happy to announce GT’s is looking to take on contributing writers.  Is it your dream to be a journalist?  Were you laid off from The LEO recently?  Please send your best 5 headlines (no stories) to Germantowntimes@gmail.com for consideration.

-Frank & Sandy

BOOKS AND MUSIC EXCHANGE OFFERS MAN $1.16 FOR HIS SOUL

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HIGHLANDS – Mark Ferrell was in panic mode yesterday as he realized he was short almost $50 for his portion of rent coming up.  He had already cashed in a jar of change with Coinstar last month, and sold most everything of value on craigslist since moving out of his parents house this past spring.  Without any other options, Ferrell walked up to Books And Music Exchange to see what his soul was worth.

“I can’t move back in with my parents,” said Ferrell.  “If these guys offer me a good price for my soul, I’m gonna just take it.  Would be cool if I could have some money to get me through next month too.”

Ferrell approached the checkout counter once inside B&M Exchange, informing the worker he was interested in possibly selling his soul.  The worker barely glanced Ferrell over as he began typing in information on his computer screen, asking if this will be for cash or store credit.

“I almost had a lapse in judgement and went for store credit,” said Ferrell.  “But I just had to remind myself that rents more important than having a Dreamcast.”

After five minutes of getting some basic information, the worker offered Ferrell $1.16 for his soul.

“I couldn’t believe it,” said Ferrell.  “I’m a high school graduate, I’ve had a couple of semi viral meme’s that were passed around Reddit last year.  There’s no way my soul’s only worth a dollar and sixteen cents.”

The worker explained that Ferrell was a popular soul back in the late 80’s, as most white kids were involved in some form of church and didn’t have a lot of access to porn.  But now a mid twenties, white kid that tweets Kevin Smith and has a poor diet is pretty much all he sees in his store these days.  Ferrell tried bartering with the worker, explaining his roommate was offered $200, but the worker made it clear he had too many similar souls in stock right now, and they’re having trouble moving them already.

Ferrell said the worker offered to give him an extra dollar on top of the original offer if he wanted store credit.  After a couple of minutes, Ferrell took the store credit after seeing Terminator 2 for Super Nintendo was an even trade for his soul.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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HIGHLANDS PANERA BREAD FRANCHISE OWNER SAYS HE WISHES THERE WAS A PLACE NEARBY HE COULD BUY SOME GOOD VINYL

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HIGHLANDS – Wishing there was a place nearby that sold vinyl, 48 year old Panera Bread franchise owner, Mike Waggener, says he thought he would be in the company of cool local stores when he moved into the area three years ago.  But Waggener is noticing more and more that the Highlands is just becoming a strip mall that’s too expensive for truly quirky local businesses to move into.

“My wife and I arrived here from St. Louis a few years back when we opened the Panera,” said Waggener. “We chose this area specifically because we heard the Highlands was a hip area, but it’s just a bunch of boring shops.”

While Waggener admits he doesn’t have tons of time to shop in the area, he says what he misses most is shopping for vinyl after a long day at work.

“When my wife and I lived in St. Louis, we would meet after work and spend a couple of hours shopping for vinyls and other cool things at a local record store, Euclid Records,” said Waggener.  “I know there are some record shops here in town, but we live across the street and I just walk everywhere.  I’m just saying it would be nice to have a record shop closer to the Panera.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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MIDDLETOWN DOMINOS ASSISTANT SHIFT SUPERVISOR EXPLAINS NET NEUTRALITY AND OTHER THINGS TO CO-WORKERS LAST NIGHT

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MIDDLETOWN – 37 year old Dominos assistant shift supervisor, Brent Garmin, had a lot on his mind while heading to work last night.  He had spent the early part of the day skimming articles on Buzzfeed about Net Neutrality.  As he was pulling up to work, Garmin said he felt like Paul Reiser riding past the red coats on his horse to warn the Germans were coming.

“I work with a lot of younger people,” said Garmin.  “I’m the only guy over 30 in there, so I feel it’s up to me to inform them on these things I have a limited understanding about.”

Garmin usually talks about how he would have ended Breaking Bad differently with his coworkers or recites strings of Louis CK bits he’s memorized word for word.  But last night, Garmin said he had to get a little serious.

“Right before rush, I asked them what they know about the biggest human rights issue that’s ever happened in the US,” said Garmin.  “I followed my net neutrality talk up with some of the bare minimum knowledge I have on the Affordable Care Act, and the first amendment.”

Later in the evening, Garmin addressed the recent ebola outbreak with a seventeen year old deliver driver, Jessica.

“There’s a lot of important shit going on right now in the world that you kids are blind to,” Garmin said while filling up his big gulp cup with one squirt from each of the 10 fountain drinks in the lobby.  “You guys are gonna have to grow up eventually and start paying attention like I do.”

At presstime, Garmin was seen renting Air Force One from Redbox in hopes of having a better understanding of American history to share with co-workers this weekend.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014

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GERMANTOWN MAN HATEFULLY SCROLLS THROUGH THE PAGES OF PEOPLE HE’S HIDDEN ON FACEBOOK BEFORE BED

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GERMANTOWN – Just before calling it a night 42 year old Germantown man, Chris O’neill, hatefully scrolled through several people on Facebook he had hidden over the years.  O’neill’s wife, Kaitlyn, says her husband mutters insults as he scrolls laying next to her,  and she can even feel the bed move a little when he shakes his head.

“Why the fuck,” Neil grunted quietly before going back to scrolling.

O’neill doesn’t know why he does this to himself.  The couple recently agreed that Chris should just get off of Facebook if it upsets him so much.

“It always happens right before bed,” said O’neill.  “I don’t really ever think about it, but for some reason right before bed, I’ve gotta know what my conservative father is saying about global warming.”

O’neills doctor has told him to avoid stress at all cost as his blood pressure has been in the high numbers over the last few months.

“If he dies from this shit, I told him he’s gonna feel like an idiot,” said Kaitlyn.  “He needs to pick his battles.  Does it really matter if an old co-worker of his is still posting planking videos?  He’s got better things to worry about.”

At press time O’neill was liking an article about global warming on The New York Times Facebook page, in hopes that it would show up in his fathers newsfeed.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
September 2014