Monthly Archives: August 2014

LIBERTARIAN MAN SAYS TODAY IS ACTUALLY THURSDAY, FRIDAY IS WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK

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LOUISVILLE – When 32 year old libertarian, Gus Thatcher, heard a co-worker singing, “it’s Friday, Friday gotta get down on Friday”, all he could do was get up from his desk and start lecturing everyone on how back in the 60’s Nixon moved the week forward a day.  Thatcher began pulling up links on his phone and pointing to Willy Wonka meme’s from his Facebook as everyone half listened and casually looked in his direction every so often.  Thatchers lecture lasted almost 30 minutes until he noticed he was the only person left in the room.

“I feel like that went pretty well,” said Thatcher.  “I mean I wished people would have hung around to the end when I started talking about Rand Paul though.  My point was, Nixon back in the 60’s, ordered everyone to turn their clocks forward 24 hours cause he was so excited about a weekend fishing trip.  It’s not in the history books, but if you get on this libertarian blog I read, It’s all there.  I guess I should’ve just simply said that to my colleagues earlier instead of explaining what it means to be a libertarian in a fascist society for 20 minutes. It’s just so hard to get people to wake up and start paying attention to memes on Facebook these days.  But hey, what can you expect from a bunch of statists with strawmans arguments that are marxists in sheep clothes though, am I right?”

After lunch Thatcher and his coworkers all sat back down at their desks as he tried turning loose conversation into a full on political debate.

“I mean that’s what Saddam did to the Kurds in the 80’s,” Thatcher shouted at a woman asking if anyone wanted some cookies.  “Saddam basically asked them if they want weapons, and of course we went in like a bunch of war hawks and gave Saddam more weapons to use on his own people.  I just can’t stand all the overspending that goes on in Washington, and we should be able to form a militia and choose if we want our kids vaccinated, Ayn Rand.  But yeah I’ll take some cookies, thanks Jenny.”

Just before the day was over Thatcher wished everyone a good weekend, but reminded everyone that in his house it’s still only Thursday.  

“It can get a little confusing, but it’s really easy,” Said Thatcher.  “We just DVR things like Saturday Night Live then watch them on what you guys call Sunday night.  Kind of like what the Koch Brothers are doing to Washington today, or what Darwin thought about biology, but we won’t get into all of that right now.  Unless you guys want to.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

HAMMERHEAD’S CHEF WILL RELEASE CHILDREN’S BOOK ABOUT TRUFFLE OIL THIS FALL

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When most people think about foodies and gourmet chefs, they usually don’t think about children’s books.  Hammerhead’s head chef, Chris Powell, is hoping to change that this fall with his new children’s book,”Emily’s New Friend”.  The 36 year old chef has never written a book before, but has written several menu’s for the Germantown staple Hammerheads.

“I love this stuff,” said Powell.  “My wife and I put truffle oil on pretty much everything, but our two daughters are a little fussy with it.  We’re hoping this book will help our kids, and kids around the world realize truffle oil is not only delicious, but fun to play with as well.”

The book is only fifteen pages long and features beautiful illustrations by Powell’s wife.  The first few pages start with a little girl, Emily, playing on a jungle gym when she stumbles on a talking giant bottle of truffle oil.  The truffle oil introduces himself as “Truffy”, and begins to explain how some kids don’t like to put him on everything they eat, and how it hurts his feelings.

“It’s kind of how my first experience was as a kid around truffle oil,” said Powell.  “I accidentally knocked over a bottle onto the floor when I was about 8, and I’ll never forget that smell.  It smelled like weeks old Cheetos and corn nuts on the floorboards of that van Jewel lived in in the 90’s.  But as I started cleaning it up, something clicked.  I started licking the floor.  Licking it clean.  Inch by inch, every stroke of my tongue was slow and thorough.  I made sure I didn’t miss a single drip.  I crawled on my hands and knees, licking as I crawled.  Some of the oil had made its way almost 10 or so feet from where I dropped the bottle.  I didn’t care.  I followed the trail under and around the tables in the kitchen. My wife said I shouldn’t put any of this in the book, which I’m not planning on, but it was an important part of my childhood and history with the oil.  My parents came home and said the floors looked like they had been professionally cleaned.  I laughed and winked at the truffle oil bottle.”

Powell says his book should be available on Amazon this fall and he’s currently working on a duck fat children’s song with the chef from Eiderdown.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

FISCHER URGES LOCALS TO PARTICIPATE IN “THE MAYORS SHUT THE FUCK UP CHALLENGE”

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Mayor Greg Fischer called a surprise meeting with the press this morning asking everyone to come together as a community and “shut the fuck up.”  Over the last few years as Mayor, Fischer has challenged citizens to walk more, ride their bikes to work and to eat healthier.  After just a week of the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge and the death of comedian Robin Williams, Mayor Fischer says he was inspired to challenge his neighbors, colleagues and people across the country to shut the fuck up.

“It’s really starting to get out of control,” said Fischer.  “It’s not only online.  Everywhere I look I just see more and more people that should shut the fuck up.”

Fischer says there’s no charity or sponsors, this is just a good old fashioned challenge.  

“Look if you want to donate some money to a charity, then do so privately,” said Fischer.  “There’s nothing more to my challenge than everyone simply relaxing, sitting on their couch with their loved ones, maybe watching some Cheers or Roseanne, and just shutting the fuck up.”

Word immediately started spreading around Twitter and Facebook.  Currently there are hundreds of videos circulating of neighbors challenging other neighbors to shut the fuck up.  

“I’m gonna walk you through my vision real quick,” said Fischer.  “Imagine if everyone commenting on the Whas 11 Facebook page just shut the fuck up for a week.  It would be really inspiring, and sets a good example for everyone in the community.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

OLD LOUISVILLE BARTENDER ASKS OPTOMETRIST TO RUN TEST AGAIN AFTER GETTING 20/20 VISION RESULTS

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OLD LOUISVILLE – When bartender Donny Meldin walked into Dr. Bizer’s last Thursday, no one could have predicted what would happen to him next.  The 24 year old walked in for his first eye exam in almost 10 years, and was hoping he could get some frames and be on his way.  

“The doctor was really nice,” said Meldin.  “But his machine was broken or something.  There’s no way that thing’s right.”

Optometrist, Dr. Davis, has been in the field for over 25 years and says Meldin’s eyes looked great.  The two bickered back and forth for a few minutes, as Meldin at one point even asked if the doctor himself needed glasses.

“His eyes are perfect,” said Davis.  “He’s only 24 years old, sometimes poor eyesight and stigmas don’t set in until your 40’s or even 50’s if you’re lucky.  We have tools nowadays that can actually look very far into the layers of your eyes, very sophisticated stuff.  But Melvin is convinced he needs glasses.”

After a little persuasion, Dr. Davis agreed to run the test over again but told Melvin, unless his eyes chemical makeup changed over the last 5 minutes, nothing’s going to be different.  

But to Dr. Davis’ surprise, Melvin began reading the eye chart as if he couldn’t make out even the biggest letters.  Out of the 70 letters and numbers on the chart, Melvin suddenly couldn’t seem to get even one of them correct.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said Davis.  “I mean, he read them 100% correct and then 5 minutes later he couldn’t see a single one.  And his eyes still look absolutely perfect, I just don’t understand.  But, why would someone lie about their vision?”

Melvin walked up to the front counter, grinning ear to ear as he waited for his prescription.

“I’m not gonna buy glasses in here, I’m gonna do it off the web,” said Melvin. “I knew that doc had no idea what he was talking about.  I need glasses, my eyes are like really bad.”

Melvin’s new glasses are set to arrive next week in the mail.  He’s currently wearing a temp pair he found at Unique.  

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

GERMANTOWN WOMAN TO TRY OUT NEW LAUGH AT SIEDENFADEN’S TOMORROW NIGHT

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[previous photo claimed to not be Rebecca Miller]

26 year old Heine Brothers employee, Rebecca Miller, will display a brief demo of her new laugh tomorrow night at Siedenfaden’s.  The laugh is described as having an intense, immediate burst of laughter, while tapering off slowly to a gentler, casual giggle.  Miller says she’s tried it out several times while sitting on the couch eating cereal and it’s worked really well.

“The beginning part of my new laugh is easy, it’s the end I keep tripping up on,” said Miller.  “If I hit it just right, I’m looking down at my drink turning it slowly in circles on the table as the laugh tapers off.  It’s some of my best work.”

Miller decided to change her laugh last month after hearing herself chuckling in a video a friend posted on Facebook, realizing it could use some adjustments.

“I’d never really paid attention to my laugh until that video,” said Miller.  “My friend Kristina’s laugh is the best, but everyone would notice if I stole hers.”

Miller says as she gets older, she is starting to notice other things about herself that she never really gave much thought to as well.

“I also noticed I walk really funny so I’m working on that too,” said Miller.  “A girlfriend of mine said when I sit down it looks awkward, so I’m trying to just stand more to avoid it all together.”

Millers new laugh is set to launch tomorrow night sometime after 10pm, but she’s waiting on the perfect moment, “maybe when an inside joke surfaces or something”.   She’s not too concerned that the prototype laugh will fail, but says if it does she’s got another one she’s been working on that’s showing some promise.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

Germantown’s – Louisville’s Best Of 2014

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We’re excited to announce the first Germantown Times best of awards!  Please take the time to vote for all of your favorite things that Louisville has to offer.  Winners will be announced next Monday, xoxo

-Sandy

(voting link)

MAYOR FISCHER CAN’T BELIEVE LOUISVILLE MADE BLOGS TOP TEN LIST WRITTEN BY 22 YEAR OLD GUY FROM SOUTH CAROLINA

450x299xp-42-The-EntrepreMayor.jpg,q1306252706.pagespeed.ic.-CvXMwzBf-Last week a link began circulating around social networks labeling Louisville as, “One of the best places to chill”.  After reading the blog’s article written by a 22 year old sophomore from South Carolina, Mayor Fischer shared the link saying, “This is just too good to be true.”  The article has now been shared by hundreds of people on Facebook echoing Mayor Fischers enthusiasm for a blog post written by a 22 year old in college.

“It’s an exciting time for Louisville,” said Fischer.  “I was telling my wife the other night over dinner, my colleagues in Washington have no clue how chill Louisville is.  Well, thanks to this blog post, the cats out of the bag.”

Mayor Fischer wants Louisville residents to know the fight isn’t over though.  He’s concerned some Louisvillians may interpret the blog post to mean they don’t have to share Louisville top 10 lists in the future.

“I’m not downplaying this moment at all, and I want the citizens of Louisville to know I support them raging around the water cooler at work this week,” said Fischer.  “But we’ve still got a ways to go.  Don’t think next time I share a Louisville top 10 list that you don’t have to put the hard work in and click like and share.  If we wanna be the next Austin or Portland, we’ve gotta make sure more 22 year olds put us in their blogs top 10 lists.”

At press time Mayor Fischer was seen welling up over the news of local rappers, Code Red, mentioning Louisville in a song they’re releasing on their Soundclick page next week.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

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LOUISVILLE BRACES AS NEWS SPREADS OF CITY WIDE “SURGE” TONIGHT STARTING AT 830PM

surgePosters started popping up in the Highlands as well as Twitter stating “Louisvilles The Surge Friday August 15th 830PM – 630AM”.  The poster is referring to the movie “The Surge” where the popular softdrink, Surge, can be drank all night starting at 830PM without being grounded or fired from your job.  Parents and bosses all over the city are hoping it’s a cruel hoax.

“This stuff is loaded with sugar and caffeine,” said local mother Karen Duffy.  “I’m not playing this game.  If any of my kids come home with green tongues, I’m grounding all of them.”

News outlets all over the city are warning people not to go overboard on Surge tonight, saying, 6-7 bottles of the stuff can cause cavities, anxiety and even cause you to go #1 where #2 generally comes out.

“We have to remember the movie is fake,” said Home Town Buffet Manager, Tim Dwyer.  “You’re not gonna down 6 cans of Surge and start hacking into mainframes.  It just doesn’t happen like that in the real world.  You have to go to college and study mainframes like the rest of us if you want to learn to be elite.”

Gas station owners are preparing for a surge of “Surgers” tonight as everyone from kids to adults are expected to show up to purchase loads of the soda.

“If you want be truly, 100 percent pure phreaker, you will need to drink at least 8,” said a convenience store clerk on Shelbyville Road.  “When else can you drink the Surge without any disciplinary action?  You must take advantage.  You must.”

Parents and bosses are planning on letting the evening take it’s course, but say they hope a lesson is learned from whatever happens tonight.

“They’re gonna be the ones that have to deal with the consequences,” said Dwyer.  “I told them all before starting the lunch shift today, if anyone has #3 tomorrow after a night of surging I won’t be there to wipe their butts.  And I made it clear they can’t call me tonight, in the middle of surging, to ask me questions about the mainframes they’re trying to bypass, or the backdoors they’re trying to gain access to.”

At press time Lexington is trying to start a similar night, but with gravy and diet Big K.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014

GUY AT FOUR PEGS HAS FRIENDS DOUBLED OVER DOING HIS ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IMPRESSION

friends-drinking-at-a-bar28 year old Greg McCubbin was hanging out with friends last Thursday when he casually started slipping in some of his go to impressions of actor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

“Get in the choppa!! Do it now!! It’s not a tooma!” yelled McCubbin, as his friends nearly knocked over several glasses in a collective laughing fit.

“He’s insanely hilarious,” said McCubbin’s friend, Kristen.  “He should be doing standup.”

McCubbin, a huge fan of Family Guy, said he’s been making people laugh for as long as he can remember.  He attributes his desire to make people laugh to his comic hero, Robin Williams, noting that the recent passing of Williams hit him “harder than I could ever have imagined.” He continued to work the table for twenty minutes, customizing his Arnold impressions for the group of friends.

“Brittany, I’m gonna go grab a beer,” McCubbin said in his grunting Schwarzenegger voice.  “I’ll be back.”

The group of friends waited patiently for McCubbin, who returned to the table and immediately jumped back in with more Schwarzenegger quotes which sent the whole table into hysteria, most unable to continue drinking.  Moments later, McCubbin surprised everyone when he switched tones and began doing pitch perfect Ace Ventura impressions.

“Do not go in there!” McCubbin yelled after returning from the bathroom.  “Reee-he-he-eeeally.”

McCubbin’s friend Jennifer hit the floor laughing and pulled half the table of drinks down with her.  It seemed the night was over as they all immediately stopped laughing and started helping her clean up the mess of broken bottles.  The table seemed to be settled in for the night as they ordered food and started talking about work related issues.  Just as the food arrived, McCubbin shouted “Get-In-Ma-Beeeellly!” which sent an earthquake through the table, again knocking over several drinks, phones and half of the food to the floor.

“We keep telling him he needs to be on Saturday Night Live,” said Kristen.  “I don’t know where he comes up with this stuff.”

At press time, McCubbin was in the breakroom at work sending coworkers into stitches channeling Jim Carrey from Dumb And Dumber, saying quote, “I like coffee, I like it-a-lot”.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
August 2014