Monthly Archives: July 2014

ZANZABAR TO TRY OUT ‘OVER 30 AND REASONABLE’ NIGHT EVERY MONDAY

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According to Zanzabar’s Facebook page, every Monday will now be geared towards getting people that are over thirty-years-old and reasonable to show up and hang out.  The night will run just like any other night, but hopes to draw in a more sensible, reasonable crowd.

“It’s just one night a week, but I think it’ll be fun,” says Zanzabar manager, Tony Bowman.  “There’s all these great video games you can’t find anywhere else and we’ve got awesome food.  But only reasonable people that are 30 or older appreciate stuff like that, and they never hang out here.”

Zanzabar has coin-op arcades such as an original Tapper, Joust, Galaga, and hard to find pinball machines.  Despite the collection of vintage games, the evenings are usually overshadowed by a young crowd that only want to hear dance music and get wasted.

“We’re not complaining here at all,” says Bowman.  “Business is great.  But it’d be nice, you know? Nice to not hear Breaking Bad quotes all night.”

After ordering some food at the bar, a customer named Phil Crandall asked me if I was interested in playing a game of Tron with him.  I’d never played Tron before but it sounded cool. Before I knew it, we were digging in our pockets for spare quarters.

“It’s almost 8 o’clock. I’m gonna have to get out of here after this game,” Crandall said, as he took a bite of pizza while using his other hand to spin the arcade’s wheel back and forth.

I asked Crandall what happens after 8 o’clock up at Zanzabar and he replied, “You ever seen the movie Overboard?  Well it’s like Kurt Russel’s kids show up here, then they call you a faggot.”

We finished the game and Crandall hurried out of the bar.

Zanzabar says the new 30’s And Reasonable night is just an idea they’re tossing around right now, but hope to start up later this year.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

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EVERYONE HAVE A SAFE AND FUN WEEKEND AT FORECASTLE

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GUY SPENDS ALL NIGHT AT NACHBAR TALKING TO WHOEVER WILL LISTEN ABOUT HIS E-CIGARETTE

3335281-1441158aGermantown resident Joshua Burton quit smoking cigarettes almost 7 months ago and hasn’t looked back.  His body is still addicted to nicotine though and when his e-cigarette battery dies he ends up bumming real cigarettes from anyone in his vicinity.

“I’ve only ran out of battery three or four times,” says Burton. “I usually try to carry at least two batteries in my satchel for backup.”

Burton sits at the back picnic table puffing obsessively on his e-cigarette and striking conversation up with anyone that politely gets caught in a discussion with him.

“I mean, lets see, I’ve got apple, vanilla, cherry and mocha in my bag,” Burton says to a girl he stopped on her way to the bathroom.  “I personally like mocha, but I’ll smoke apple too depending on if I’ve eaten or not.”

Burton said he doesn’t come to the bar with friends, but usually ends up squeezing into a table of strangers before the night’s over.

“So this is the battery,” Burton says to a girl he casually sat down next to. “And it screws in like this.  It lasts for about…..200-250 pulls, but I never count.  Do you watch Dr. Who by chance?”

Burton tried several times to get the girl to taste his e-cigarette but eventually quit after her boyfriend asked him to go away.  He continued to walk around the back deck of Nachbar for the next several hours, popping in on at least ten more tables.

“I just chatted with this cute girl Kate for the last ten minutes,” Burton says while attempting to blow rings with his electronic smoke.  “I think I talked her into using my member code on the e-cig website I order from.   She’ll get 10% off and it gets me $20 cash.  Cool chick.”

Burton left Nachbar at 3:30 in the morning completely sober.   He said he plans to go home and see if anyone’s commented on a message board thread he made about mixing coke and cherry flavor vape together.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

GERMANTOWN CHILI’S ADDS MAGIC HAT TO TAP LIST

AP_chilis_restaurant_jef_140407_16x9_608 There’s no doubt about it, Germantown residents love their beers.  With local beer events being held throughout the year at Nachbar and Four Pegs, other local establishments are looking to get in on the craze.  The GM at Chili’s on Poplar Level Road says she’s trying to get the young people to come in and “just hang out”.

“I know people think we’re not that cool,” says Chili’s GM Dana Caldwell.  “But after 9pm we put  the 80s station on our satellite radio and I’ve been known to say a few swear words.”

The lights are dim inside and a couple of servers off shift sit at the bar drinking Blue Moons.  There are currently four beers on tap ranging from Bud Light, Miller Light, Blue Moon and a new addition, Magic Hat.

“I saw that Magic Hat was an option when our beer guy was in here last week, and thought ‘Why not,’” said Caldwell. “Maybe if we have an exotic, Lexington brewed beer up here, the cool cats will start to show up.”

Caldwell says they’ve had the beer on tap for a little over a week but no one’s tried it yet.

“We just want people to come in here and hang out,” says Caldwell. “We’ve got 26 flat screen TV’s and a ton of great apps.”   Caldwell leaned in close and told me if the cool cats wanna smoke in the bathroom she’s “not gonna be checking the bathrooms all night.”

Chili’s on Poplar is currently open until 11pm on Fridays and hopes to bring in more local beers if Magic Hat does well.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

NACHBAR REGULAR SPOTTED AT THE GAP IN OXMOOR MALL

gapLocal beer connoisseur and drummer, Tyler Barnes, was spotted yesterday casually browsing and collecting loads of clothes at The Gap in Oxmoor Mall.  A neighborhood resident of Germantown who asked to remain anonymous (we’ll call Becky), said she saw Barnes walking around with several different colors of cut off shorts and a few of The Gaps signature vintage T’s.

“I was at the mall meeting my mom to go to Sephora,” said Becky.  “I stopped and stood behind a plant watching him shop.  It was so pathetic.”

Barnes reportedly approached a sales associate with over 20 items spilling out of his arms and politely asked for a fitting room.

“I could see the clothes being draped over the fitting room door as he asked an associate for a smaller size of an MTV shirt,” said Becky.  “I can’t believe I ever wanted to sleep with him.”

Becky cautiously followed Barnes as he left the Gap swinging his bag of clothes by his side. Allegedly Barnes was wearing the faux cut off shorts he recently purchased out of the store that he must have liked a lot.

“I think he almost saw me as he went into Banana Republic,” said Becky.  “I was like texting all my friends.  He’s such a fucking loser.”

Becky says Barnes left Banana Republic empty handed as she followed him next into the Old Navy store.

“I lost my shit.  Up until that point I wasn’t gonna tell my friend that slept with him what I was seeing, but I didn’t have a choice,” said Becky.  “He was being so polite to everyone inside Old Navy.  Like some kind of freak.”

Becky said she watched Tyler go to Auntie Anne’s Pretzels next and was last seen trying on some sunglasses at Sunglass Hut.   She hasn’t heard back from her friend that slept with him yet, but planned to head over to her house immediately after she left Sephora with her mom.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

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GERMANTOWN RESIDENT EXPRESSES CONCERN THAT NEW PIZZA PLACE ON GOSS MAY INSPIRE OTHER GOOD IDEAS

IMG_2442-601x451A few weeks ago Insider Louisville broke the news that a pizza joint would be opening in the VFW on Goss Avenue next to Yesternook.  The upcoming restaurant was conceived by Germantown residents Nash and Laura Neely and plans to feature New York style pizza.  Not everyone’s happy about this new addition to Germantown, though.  I caught up with one of the angry gentlemen from the comments section, Kevin Gray, who wrote: “I can tell you right now that even before you have opened, I will never step foot in your establishment.”

“Look I was a little worked up at the time I wrote that,” says Gray.  “But I’m just a little concerned that people are doin’ something good for Germantown and that’s a slippery slope.”

Gray continued to compare the pizza place to other great restaurants and retail shops that have opened in Germantown over the last two years.

“I’m telling you, this is how it all starts,”  said Gray. “I’m not trying to be a negative nancy, but just watch.  Before we know it, everywhere you look someone’s gonna be trying to do something nice for the neighborhood.”

With Moes, Eiderdown, and Goss Avenue Antiques all going through renovations, people like Gray are getting more and more upset.

“I told my wife the other day, if this doesn’t stop, we’re sellin’ the house,” Gray says, rocking on his Lazy-Boy recliner.  “Danny Mac had a good idea for the neighborhood already. Do we really need two good ideas?”

Gray’s not alone. There were several other commenters, including Nancy, Gray’s wife, that were just as bothered by the recent string of good things for Germantown.

“Look, I read the article,” said Nancy. “The couple opening up the new pizza place came across very nice and they clearly had Germantown’s best interest at heart.  And that’s concerning.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

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NEIGHBORHOOD KID UP TO SOMETHING WITH THAT STICK

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With neighborhood watch season in full swing, Germantown residents have taken to porch sitting every Wednesday in an attempt to more closely monitor neighborhood activity. Shelby Street resident Lloyd McMillan, a retired drywall inspector, has made it his personal mission to gather as much data as possible on the recent comings and goings of the neighborhood.

“I seen lots of weird shit,” McMillan says as he sips his home brewed ice tea.  “Strange shit is happenin’ in Germantown nowadays.”

McMillan’s 78 year old wife, Cheryl, sits next to him with a suspicious eye on the neighborhood.

“Every day we see the same little boy walking by our house.  Never said nothin’ to us, but he’s cruisin’ down wrong street with no sign of turnin’ right,” Cheryl interrupts.

A few crumpled fliers for lawn care service tumble quietly around the deserted street like scattered leaves. The couple sits in their lawn chairs sipping ice tea, stiff and emotionless.

“Little boy gots this stick he carries. Neighborhood ain’t seen shit like this before,” Lloyd says. “I don’t like it.”

Just as Lloyd predicted, the little boy appeared and began to descend upon the McMillans street moments later.  The boy looked to be about eight or nine years old, with short, sweeping brown hair and a spiderman shirt.  He approached slowly, aimlessly poking at the dirt with a three foot stick.

“See, just like I said.  Little boy taunts me and my wife every day like this,” said Lloyd.

“I’d love to know why the hell he ain’t at home eatin’ lunch,” Cheryl added. “No boy of ours was ever out roaming the streets at 12:30 in the afternoon.”

The boy mosied by the house, completely ignoring the McMillians, looking a little lonely and mostly bored. The incident lasted approximately 13 seconds before the boy carried on, lazily turning onto Logan Street, his stick still swinging idly at the rocks on the ground.

“I’m getting my concealed carry permit next week,” Lloyd said. “I’m sick of this shit.”

The Germantown Neighborhood association is urging their residents to porch sit like the McMillans every Wednesday night to help with neighborhood safety throughout the summer.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

 

ENTIRE SOJOURN CHURCH COMES OUT OF CLOSET TOGETHER

Screen shot 2012-03-27 at 8.28.12 AMYesterday in a press release, head pastor of the hip Sojourn church, Taylor Parrish, said everyone that attends his church admitted they were gay recently.

“It was a really powerful moment” says Parrish. “I was praying before the service started and I asked everyone to bow their heads.”

This is when Parrish says the unthinkable happened.

“I told anyone that has been having nasty homosexual thoughts to raise their hands and let God see them.”

Seconds later Parrish raised his head to look around the room and all 1500 churchgoers had their hands raised, including himself.

“I didn’t know what to say. Everyone sort of looked up at the same time and there was just a big sigh of relief.”

Parrish said the sermon was cancelled for the day as everyone started mingling and hugging each other.

“We all stood around and talked for hours. It was truly surreal. There was a great moment where I walked up to my assistant pastor and we were just like “whaaat DUDE?!? We kind of kissed and both admitted we always had small crushes on each other.”

Parrish and his followers are at a crossroad however. They’ve been comparing gays to adulterers and other terrible things for years.

“Yeah, that’s gonna suck trying to walk that back.” says Parrish, “Here’s the thing. I’ve woken up everyday for the last 25 years and told myself that everyone else wakes up in the morning and turns off their gay thoughts. I guess that sounds pretty silly as I say that out loud.”

Parrish isn’t the only one struggling with his newfound truth. I spoke with other members of the church up at Four Pegs.

“I just really hope people can find it in their hearts to forgive us.” says Emma Jackson.

The gentleman to the left of Jackson is shaking his head on his 6th pint of Goose Island.

“We’re all frauds man.” says Jackson’s friend Mike Smith. “Not only were we all closeted homosexuals up at Sojourn, but we’ve tried convincing everyone that we’re progressive because our pastor has a mohawk, tattoos and a dick piercing.”

The group stayed for a few more hours telling stories of how they kind of knew so and so was gay, and also the horrors of their own of being discovered. Some tears were shed, but in the end they all paid their tabs and said they were going to a place that would accept them. “Maybe Highland Baptist Church.” Smith said as he lit a clove cigarette and walked away into the night.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

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GOSS AVENUE ANTIQUE MALL TO NOW BECOME SOUPER PANERA BREAD

souper-paneraIt wasn’t that long ago that word came down from the Goss Avenue Antique Mall owner, Denise Golden, that her shop would be closing.

“It was a sad day, but a necessary one” says Golden. “The economy tanked and we never bounced back.” Denise recalls over the last year she’s been approached by condo developers and shopping mall owners, but everyone’s flaked out. “I looked at my husband and just threw my hands up in the air saying “I give up Hank!” Denise started getting calls from a very enthusiastic man claiming to be the owner of Panera Bread. “I thought he was joking at first” Golden recalls, “He said he wanted to open up a new experimental Panera Bread called Souper Panera. He was calling me several times a day, I finally just said what the heck.” Golden met with Panera Bread owner Dale Smyth a few weeks later and the keys were handed over. “This place is gonna be stinkin awesome.” says Smyth. “We’ve got 30,000 square feet that we’re installing 400 brick ovens. We’ll be making around 40,000 loaves of bread a day. I tell my wife we’re gonna make it “grain” in Germantown.” I watched Smyth run around with his clipboard of sketches making rainbows with his arms explaining his ideas to the construction company. “You know our bowls? Our bread bowls we put soup in? Well, we’re sectioning off 10,000 square feet in here that will be dedicated to our Party Bowls.” Smyth showed me his sketches of bread bowls that are the size of your typical hot tub. “Essentially you get in the Party Bowl with 3-4 of your friends and we fill it up with whatever soup you want. Then you guys just relax and begin to eat your way out. It’s gonna be stinkin sweet.” The bread bowl is set to have a price tag of $399, which Smyth says its a steal as it takes 200 lbs of flour to make one hot tub size bread bowl. Sandy and I have been eating at Panera for years and actually enjoy most of their food. But we’re both a little concerned that Germantown isn’t the right test market for a 30,000 square foot Super Panera. “We’re pretty hopeful. I know if a Souper Panera rolled into my town when I was a kid I would be hella pumped. It’s been a dream of mine since I was a boy to sit in a bread bowl with my friends while we eat our way out. I think I was inspired a lot by James And The Giant Peach. God this things gonna be so stinkin sweet.” Mayor Greg Fischer says he’ll join Steve Beshear, John Yarmuth and Mitch McConnell in a Party Bowl for the grand opening set for later this year. Frank Thompson Germantown Times July 2014

GOSS AVENUE KROGER TO BRING VHS RENTAL SECTION BACK

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Frank and I have been shopping at Goss Avenue Kroger since it was built in the 80’s. We’ve seen a lot of things come and go over the years. A lot of younger people don’t remember, but the almost 30 year old Kroger used to rent appliances and sell things like swords and hamsters. The new GM at Goss Kroger, Bill Jacobs, is hoping to bring back some of the old excitement to the aging store. 

“I mean who really needs all this produce?” says Jacobs as we stroll through the store. “Like, see this? Why the hell do we sell coconuts in Germantown? What is this Gilligans Island Kroger?”

Jacobs led me through the produce section simultaneously chewing out some of the the workers for stocking things he described as “rookie-duce”. “How many types of tomatoes do we need Jeff? A roma tomato? What are we all the sudden living in Italytown?”

Once you really start to listen to Jim’s logic, it starts to kind of make sense. He wants to cut the produce section in half and add a VHS rental wall for customers.

“The redbox outside is killin it, but the selection is absolute crap. You’re not gonna find movies like Hellraiser or Porky’s on redbox, but you will when our VHS section opens up.”

Jacobs says he hopes to expand the VHS section if it takes off like he thinks it will and plans on renting VCR’s for $20 a week.

I asked Jacobs if he thought some people in the neighborhood would be upset about losing some of their favorite fruits and veggies.

“Are you kiddin’ me?” Jacobs says as he’s holding up an artichoke. “I mean, this thing looks like something Goldie Hawn ate in that movie Overboard. Before she went overboard.”

The renovations are set to start this fall after Jacobs makes his case at Kroger’s corporate headquarters.

Sandy Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014