Monthly Archives: July 2014

GERMANTOWN FRIENDS TO ATTEMPT TO HANG OUT SOBER NEXT TUESDAY

group-shot-of-kayak-guys-on-couchjpg-660f591caf11e9cb

Chris Phillips, Marty Gifford, Rickey Dwyer, and Ben Fletcher have been friends since the late 90’s when they met in High School. The four pals are now in their mid 30’s, and spend most nights sitting around drinking together on each others’ front porches in Germantown.

“We all grew up here,” said Fletcher, “I love these guys. For fifteen years, Gifford’s been doing this thing where he lights his farts after he drinks a bunch of Oberon. It’s awesome.”

Even though the group of old friends have been hanging out for over a decade, they say their wives suggested they try something different; hang out sober next Tuesday.

“I’m super nervous,” said Marty, “I mean, what are we gonna talk about?”

The four plan to break up into pairs and spend some time getting to know each other.

“We all thought we’d take it slow,” said Phillips. “It’ll be like speed dating, but without wine or beer or anything fun like that,” he said.

The boys all agree that it’ll be good for them, and that the night will be a true test of their friendship. Marty however, has low expectations.  He said the boys were at a dry wedding two summers ago and didn’t say a word to each other all night.

“I’m not gonna back out,” said Marty, “But there’s no way this is gonna work. I hung out with my parents for 16 years sober and it was awful.”

The boys’ wives are all making them little lists they can conceal in their pockets with suggested topics of fun things to talk about.

Dwyer added, “It’s not ‘til next Tuesday, so I plan on drinking a shit ton through the whole weekend, and on into Monday night.  Hopefully by Tuesday my body won’t be able to take anymore, and it can be my natural dry-out-day for the week.”

The boys are set to hang out next Tuesday around 7pm at Gifford’s house.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

NEW SHIRT COLORS!!!

diff-colorsIf you already placed an order we will be contacting you to see what color you would prefer.  All shirt orders must be in by Friday night (8.1.14) at midnight.  After Friday these shirts will be gone forever! $16 + Shipping

http://germantowntimes.bigcartel.com/ <—-click here to order

 

MOTHER CHEWS OUT HER KID AT DAINTY FEST FOR BEING A STUPID IDIOT

janetJanet Taylor from our story last week was seen walking around the Dainty Fest with her two children Vanessa, 8, and Bradley, 6.  She reportedly called Vanessa a stupid idiot while she was seen leaving the women’s portapotty.

“She was takin’ too long in there,” said Taylor.  “Like a big stupid idiot.”

Taylor walked around having a few beers with friends before again seeing her eight year old daughter being a complete moron.

“I seen her standing by the yellow tape blocking the Dainty Fest playing field,” said Taylor.  “I grabbed her by her neck and explained to her how much of an idiot she was.”

Taylor was seen rubbing off some scratch off’s with a quarter on top of a trash can later in the evening.  Almost thirty minutes passed when Taylor says she remembered she brought her children with her.

“It hit me like that mom on the plane in Home Alone,” said Taylor.  “I started freaking but then I seen my eight year old was throwing a frisbee with this little 7 year old boy.  I went over and called her a stupid slut and told her she should go get checked out with Obamacare.”

Taylor’s daughter seemed to be quite affected.  She walked around holding onto her moms hand looking terrified and confused with most of the adults around her.

“I was watchin’ Dr. Oz a few weeks ago and he stressed how important these developmental years are,” said Taylor.  “I wanted her to know how fucking stupid she was being in front of all her little friends.  I told her if she sassed me one more time she wouldn’t be allowed to watch Walking Dead anymore.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

Tagged

BOSSE FUNERAL HOME SAYS THE DAINTY FEST BOLOGNA SANDWICH IS A GREAT DEAL

Funeral Director at Bosse Funeral home, Gail Stanton, says the famous bologna sandwiches sold at the Dainty Fest today are a fantastic deal.

“We love when the Dainty Fest rolls around every year,” said Stanton.  “We make sure our entire staff is working around the clock the entire week.”

Stanton claims the $2 bologna sandwich is an absolute steal.  The sandwich consists of a couple slices of bologna laid in between two pieces of white bread which is then sat in the sun all day, traditionally served with a pickle.   Hauck’s convenience store says they make about $1.91 profit off of each sandwich.

“It’s a great tradition that has been going on for over 30 years,” said Mayor Greg Fischer.  “Bosse Funeral home gets a lot of business from it, and it all goes right back into the community.”

Last year organizers of the Dainty fest claim to have sold over 2,000 bologna sandwiches and this year they hope to double that.

“We’ve got ads running on Facebook and word has spread a lot about the festival,” said Dainty Fest volunteer Cheryl Conner.  “We make the sandwiches out of gluten free bologna and the bread has no trans fat.  So the sandwich is really good for you.”

Bosse Funeral home says to make sure and get there early and be patient while waiting in line for a sandwich.  Even the Louisville Vegetarian Club is getting in on the excitement.

“I know it sounds kind of weird and counterproductive,” said Louisville Vegetarian Club spokesman Nick Hollander.  “But um, yeah if you’re one of the dicks on facebook constantly talking shit, or any of the owners from Game, we’ll buy you a bunch of these sandwiches.”

The Dainty Fest runs from 5pm-11pm and is held in front of  Hauck’s Convenience Store.

“And remember, if you’re a Cats fan, I’ll buy you five sandwiches personally,” Stanton joked.  “No but in all seriousness, it’s really a great time for the community to come together and also a wonderful place to bring your family.”

Stanton said she brings her Mother in law every year and treats her to as many bologna sandwiches as she can handle.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

FRANK WILL BE LIVE TWEETING FROM THE DAINTY FEST TOMORROW

germantown-sports

Follow Frank tomorrow on Twitter as he live tweets from his favorite event of the year, The Dainty Fest :

@germantowntimes

Artwork created by Wes Keeton (wesleykeeton.com)

OLD GUY FROM EAST END TELLS WIFE HE’S GOING TO THE NACHBAR TO GET SOME PUSSY

depressed-old-man_opt78 year old Gill Conley left his house in a hurry Thursday night after an argument with his wife, according to a neighbor. Conley and his wife were reportedly arguing about his recently purchased iPad when things took a turn for the worse.

“I was cleaning up my back deck when I heard them going at it,” said Conley’s next door neighbor Phil Markey. “Gill’s wife was yelling at him and he just started walking away mid fight. He grabbed his keys off of the picnic table and said he was going to the Nachbar to get some pussy. I’ve never seen Gill that sure of anything.”

Conley allegedly showed up to Nachbar around 8 pm last night and stood around with his hands in his pockets for an hour and a half.

“He was sipping a Bud Light and just kind of stood there by the back couch,” said Nachbar customer Jenny Williams. “He asked me if I’d ever been to Cheddars, but I just rolled my eyes and kept walking.”

Conley was seen walking into the girls bathroom accidentally as he rushed back out looking quite embarrassed. “He apologized to a few of the girls standing outside by the handsink,” recalls bartender Guss Boyd. “As the girls were walking away I heard him ask if any of them liked Jason Mraz.”

Moments later, Conley overheard a few of the girls from the restroom situation asking Rusty the jerky guy if he wanted to have his way with all of them after his shift.

“Yeah these girls were telling Rusty he could basically put it anywhere he wants,” said Boyd. “The old man looked pretty upset and told the girls he could buy all of the jerky in Rusty’s basket if he felt like it, which he did.  I think he was trying to prove a point.”

Conley was reportedly seen sitting in his car for about 30 minutes just staring at the steering wheel before he left.

“He was just like sitting in his car without the engine running,” said a girl chaining up her bike outside. “I think he was actually crying as he ran his hand slowly through his hair. I think he said ‘what happened’ or something. It was hilarious.”

Conley was spotted pulling back into his driveway by himself around 10 pm.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

 

GROUCHO’S CUSTOMERS CLAIM WHITE GUY JUST WALKED IN AND SANG THAT REGULATERS SONG

kar460

After midnight there’s no telling what will happen if you’re out roaming through Germantown bars.  Last weekend customers at Grouchos Karaoke Bar all claim to have witnessed the same ordeal.

“I was just sitting there looking at my phone like I always do,” said Grouchos regular Donny Moopin.  “All of a sudden this white guy in his early twenties comes in with one of those “how to pronounce Louisville” t-shirts on, gets up on stage, and sings Regulate by Nate Dogg and Warren G.  His flow was way slow and crazy manageable, just like the original song.”

Moopin then checked his phone as if he were trying to remember some other details of the evening, adding, “Plus he seamlessly flowed to and from the ‘long beach staccato’ of Warren G to the ‘west coast Eugene Levy’ of Nate Dogg. My friends and I all looked at each other at the same time saying, is this really happening?”

The song lasted only 3 minutes, but witnesses agreed that they wished it was more like 4 or even 4 and half minutes, as they sort of couldn’t get enough.

A group of white girls with crudely hand drawn penises on them, celebrating a bachelorette party, were all very impressed.

“I’ve been into hip hop music for almost 7 years and I’ve never seen someone adventurous enough to try out that song,” said one of the white girls, in between yelling “EASTSIIIIDE MOOTEEEEEEEEEEEEL” over and over again.  “I literally died when he did the songs’ signature spoken part in the beginning.  It’s super obscure, and I feel like you have to be literally dope to pull it off like that guy did. Plus then there at the end when he changed ‘213’ to ‘502 will regulate’, I mean like Jessica, she like literally lost her shit.”

The owner of Grouchos says the same mysterious man comes in semi regularly, but he usually just orders a Stella Artois and eats mozzarella sticks all night.

“I didn’t even know if I had the song in my system,” said Groucho.  “It was way dope and sick.  I’ve never seen a white guy in khaki shorts so sure of anything in my entire life.”

As of press time, Jessica says she’s not sure, but she may try the song with all of her girlfriends next weekend if someone else signs up for Love Shack.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

MONKEY WRENCH MANAGER SAYS ONE MORE PINTEREST BARREL OUGHT TO DO IT

monkeyOver the last few years the Monkey Wrench building has gone through several changes ranging from a new roof deck to local art on the side of the building.  Curtis Hill, the general manager overseeing all of the changes, says he’s just about done with his latest addition of “Pinterest barrels”.

“I love these big barrels,” says Hill.  “I started with two of them early this year but have been adding more just about every day.”

Hill said every time he pulled up to work he saw room for another barrel.  The Pinterest barrels are actually just used bourbon barrels that Hill has been purchasing from a woman at a Norton Commons flea market.

“I was walking through the Norton Commons flea market back in April and saw a sign that said ‘Cheap Pinterest Barrels’,” said Hill. “My wife thought they would look great in front of the new restaurant so we started going back every week to buy more.”

Hill currently has 26 barrels out in front of the building and thinks the job is just about finished.

“I think one more ought to do it,” said Hill as he struggles to roll the last barrel out of his truck.  “You know, now that I’m looking at it.  I think I may stack another 20 or 30 over there in the corner just cause.”

Hill said after this last remodel he’s going to start decorating the inside of the Monkey Wrench with more Pinterest barrels.

“Would be cool to have a stage of barrels that the artists could stand on,” Hill said, scratching his beard and lost in thought.  “Maybe even line the walls in here with 40 or 50 more of them.  Would look really neat.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014

GERMANTOWN WOMAN OFFERS SAGE RELATIONSHIP ADVICE TO FRIEND ON PORCH AT 3 AM

fat-woman-smoking

On a quiet Tuesday morning on Mulberry Street last week, Germantown resident Janet Taylor could be heard setting her best friend Becky straight. The two had spent the evening watching Rush Hour 1 and 2 over a few cotton candy vodka cocktails, when Becky’s ex-boyfriend began texting her around 2 am.

“Why are you even textin’ him back?!” Taylor screamed at the top of her lungs outside on her porch at 3 am. “Tell him you’re Biggie Smalls and he needs 2pac his bags and leave!”

Taylor strings together catchy one liners and tells it like is with a voice that travels 7-8 houses in each direction.

“I don’t sugar coat shit, I’m not Willie Wonka,” Taylor says while pacing her front porch smoking a cigarette. “If he come over here I’ma go off Becky!”

Taylor is clearly a busy woman.  In the middle of counseling Becky she gets a phone call from another friend in need of a reality check at 3 am on her front porch.

“Girl, I told you to leave his ass already!” Taylor says with no regard for the family of five next door.  “Tell him you ain’t that guy from Kindergarten Cop and you won’t be back!”

Just after 4 am, Becky’s ex-boyfriend showed up and began to argue with Taylor as if they weren’t surrounded by dozens of shotgun houses in close proximity.  Taylor whispered something into Becky’s ear and went inside slamming the door behind her.  Becky and her ex spoke at a relatively low volume for a few minutes before Becky put two fingers in front of her ex-boyfriends nose and said “Here, that’s the last time you’re gonna smell that.”

“That’s a Janet Taylor Peace out!” Taylor yelled through the cracked window.  “Now goto bed I can’t sleep with ya’ll bein so loud out there.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
July 2014