BELLARMINE MENS ROWING TEAM COACH PROVIDED FORD ESCORT SERVICE FOR PLAYERS

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Louisville – This morning Bellermine officials announced mens rowing team Coach, Joseph Taylor, provided rides to games in his 1995 Ford Escort to his players for the last four years. It’s not clear yet if the 43 year old coach will face any disciplinary actions, but the university says they’re looking into the matter.

“As of right now Coach Taylor isn’t denying any of this happened, he’s just confused why we’re holding a press conference,” said Bellarmine’s spokesman Pat Hartman.  “In the end, we all just want the truth.  If Coach Taylor does indeed drive an 95′ Ford Escort, well then people aught to know about that.”

Coach Taylor was not available for comment, but we were able to obtain a picture of his car which does appear to be an 95′ Ford Escort.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2015

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Achu + Blesu Clothing Line

Frank and I had a young man names Theo couch surf at our house this summer in Louisville from Sweden. He’s a very handsome man, with a huge heart and big hands. We showed him around and filled his head with imagination just as we did with our own kids when they were young. He has returned to Sweden very inspired and started designing a line of clothing called Achü + Blesü all centered on his visit to Louisville and everything he learned. Please check out his Facebook page and stop by Block Party Handmade Boutique to pick up one of his t-shirts.

xoxo – Sandy12189264_1695836747298142_1956019152703000020_o

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TIME TRAVELING SKATEBOARDER FROM 90’S TO HANG OUT AT PIZZA HUT TONIGHT

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HIGHLANDS – Yesterday around 3 pm a time traveling skateboarder, Rickey Thrash, emerged from a portal in an alley behind Comfy Cow.  The 15 year old man reportedly stood up slowly, dusting off his jean jacket as he looked curiously at a young girl riding by on a razor.   Thrash began skateboarding through the highlands completely distracted, bumping into people as one man allegedly shouted “hey watch it buddy”.

“I just wanna get a slice of dough,” said Thrash.  “Where the hell did all the Pizza Huts in this town skid off to?”

Thrash stumbled into a Pizza Hut express off of Preston Highway eventually, but said it was weak as hell.

“Where the hell is Golden Axe?”, Thrash asked the 24 year old manager taking his order.  “Listen old man, just get me a pizza with the works and I’ll get out of here.  This place is cashed.”

After his…

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Mayor Fischer Tells The Clifton Neighborhood To Shut Down All Streets Immediately So This Guy Can Grill Pizzas

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CLIFTON – Mayor Fischer called an urgent press meeting yesterday demanding law enforcement and city officials close down the entire Clifton neighborhood. The announcement came after a Louisville man on Facebook made a post saying, “I’ll be grilling some pizzas outside of Guestroom Records this morning, come say hi”.

St. Matthews police department said they had a 10 block radius completely shut down 45 minutes after the post surfaced on Facebook, but some residents are saying that is simply unacceptable.

“I saw Jeff’s post on Facebook and decided I would stop by for a slice while taking my dog for a walk”, said Clifton resident Randy Schneider. “I could have easily been struck by a car, it was nuts. Why should I have to walk down the sidewalk in my own neighborhood?”.

Schneider wasn’t the only Clifton resident confused while cars went zipping by them as they strolled through the streets.

“Tell me this, why was the street even open to begin with?” said Props Barber Shop owner Wayne Trout. “We had announced we were having a food truck rally and a bluegrass band in front of our shop two hours before the grilled pizza was announced.”

Mayor Fischer replied to the criticism this morning saying the city has been working tirelessly to shut down as many streets as they can over the past year.

“I don’t care if it’s a Jeff making pizzas on a grill in Clifton or the Double Dare Man competition we had last weekend downtown”, said Fischer. “I want everyone to know we’ll shut it all down all the time, but every street doesn’t get closed overnight. These things take time.”

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
October 2015

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HILLTOP TAVERN PATRON TO ASK IF YOU CAN GRAB THAT PING-PONG BALL UNDER YOUR TABLE TONIGHT

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CLIFTON – Excited about heading to Hilltop Tavern tonight for St. Patricks day, 38 year old Clifton resident, John Littlefield says he will most certainly ask people to grab the ping-pong ball that just landed under their table this evening.  Customers at Hilltop find themselves getting pinged in the head by ping-pong balls, and even an occasional ball in their beer.  This is all due to the owners of the local pub insisting a ping-pong table is perfectly placed in the middle of people drinking beer, eating food and not playing the game.

“I couldn’t imagine The Hill not having a ping-pong table,” said Littlefield.  “When it gets really crowded I sometimes whack people with my paddle and have to apologize, but it’s all part of having a giant table with a flying ball and paddles in the middle of a dining room.”

Owners of Hilltop say they try to have things like board games and Walking Dead viewing parties for patrons to enjoy while drinking, but refused to comment much on the ping-pong table.

“It’s a great game and we’re going to leave it at that,” said owner, Nick Karl.  “Everyone knows if they come to Hilltop, and they sit by the 9 foot table, they’re in for a night of being annoyed.  And I think everyone loves that.”

Some customers say it’s not the ping-pong table that annoys them as much as the type of people that show up to play ping-pong.

“I love ping-pong, we have a table at home,” said a man dodging balls flying past his head.  “Look, let me put it to you like this.  I like the Flaming Lips and all, but can’t stand the people that show up to their shows.  Does that make sense?”

At press time the owners of Hilltop said they are thinking about adding a lawn dart game in the middle of the bar.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
March 2015

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GERMANTOWN NEIGHBOR COMES FORWARD AS SOURCE OF SMELL ACROSS LOUISVILLE

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GERMANTOWN – Residents across Louisville have been complaining of a smell described as “a wet musty carpet” for the last few weeks.  City officials are stumped and have been running air quality tests for the last few days with nothing turning up.  This morning Tom Nord, spokesman for the cities air district, followed up on a lead pointing to a house on Mulberry street.

“My staff and I pulled up to the house and we all knew right away,” said Nord.

Before anyone from Nord’s team could knock on the door, the home owner, Janet Taylor swung the door open and confessed.

“Yeah it was me,” said Taylor.  “I’ve been walking all over Louisville trying to lose this baby weight.”

Taylor said she’s a little offended by the way local media has been describing her smell on television and print all over the city.

“You try binge watching Steve Harvey and eating tub after tub of manager special hummus,” said Taylor.  “I’m tryin’ to lose these last 100 pounds and the hummus makes me a little gassy.”

Mayor Fischer says he’s glad we can all put this mystery to bed, but called for any Louisville residents currently binge watching Steve Harvey or Steve Wilkos to please stay inside for now.

Frank Thompson
Germantown Times
March 2015

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